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TGIFday #1032784
09/17/15 06:20 PM
09/17/15 06:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead

```````````````````````````

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

`````````````````````````````

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

`````````````````````````````````

Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

``````````````````````````````

Yesterday, University scientists in the UK released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should now take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,

100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.

2) Talked excessively without making sense.

3) Became overly emotional.

4) Couldn't drive.

5) Failed to think rationally.

6) Argued over nothing.

7) Had to sit down while urinating.

8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

````````````````````````````

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is messing around with your chickens."

```````````````````````````````````

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail ossifer, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

`````````````````````````````````

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari then lady?

``````````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I'm back at work today, so it's like Monday for me dude. razz



Yesterday off was good...................and busy.


It was good and busy. duh


I wanted to get an early start, so I started doing laundry. I tossed all of my jeans in first, and they came out really clean.


So did my wallets that I neglected to remove from the last jeans that I had worn. hardwall


I hope the police don't find out I'm a money launderer. cool


After that I cleaned house all day, and I cooked and slaved over a hot..............think........................groin. oops



Well!!!!!! blush


I couldn't very well lie, and say that I slaved over a hot stove all day. shocked


Y'all have a happy day.



joe





Last edited by gymcandy1; 09/17/15 06:24 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032787
09/17/15 06:26 PM
09/17/15 06:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
Sorry your time off is over Joe. Have a happy day!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: TGIFday [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1032792
09/17/15 06:48 PM
09/17/15 06:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Have a great Friday everyone.


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032827
09/18/15 02:43 AM
09/18/15 02:43 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Have a nice day Boomers. smile wave


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032831
09/18/15 04:19 AM
09/18/15 04:19 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, Haroula and everyone. Coffee is on and tea water is ready. Joe sounds like you had a busy but productive day off. Ana hope you are feeling better. Space and Haroula enjoy your day. Wishing a happy day for everyone. dance wave


Gerry
Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032851
09/18/15 07:35 AM
09/18/15 07:35 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers rah

Joe, Hope your day is an easy one.

Ana, wishing you a good day!

Space, Good morning.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee. Enjoy the day!

To everyone here and everyone on their way I'm wishing a happy, peaceful day! cat


Gail
Re: TGIFday [Re: GBC] #1032854
09/18/15 08:26 AM
09/18/15 08:26 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good morning everyone. I've got the day off from work. happydance


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032889
09/18/15 02:22 PM
09/18/15 02:22 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

The hot weather is back. Boys will be here in a sec. The weekend will be busy 'cos they always are wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: TGIFday [Re: looney4labs] #1032890
09/18/15 02:51 PM
09/18/15 02:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
It is hot here today too. lol

Off to the park. lab


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032894
09/18/15 04:58 PM
09/18/15 04:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
Very gloomy, rainy day here. My neighbors lost a big tree last night that landed on their roof. The tree came up roots and all. It was a very stormy night.

I had to go down to the city again and finally home. Another trip down at 6am tomorrow for a race. I must be crazy. lol

Happy Friday all!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: TGIFday [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1032896
09/18/15 05:51 PM
09/18/15 05:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good luck Ana and please don't send that bad weather this way. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032897
09/18/15 05:58 PM
09/18/15 05:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,267
In the Naughty Corner
We got a tornado south of the city right now. Hope this all doesn't head your way Space!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: TGIFday [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1032898
09/18/15 06:16 PM
09/18/15 06:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Stay safe Ana. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIFday [Re: gymcandy1] #1032899
09/18/15 06:23 PM
09/18/15 06:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Eeek, Y'all duck. Stay safe!


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: TGIFday [Re: looney4labs] #1032901
09/18/15 06:41 PM
09/18/15 06:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
rotfl


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: TGIFday [Re: Space Quest Fan] #1032923
09/18/15 11:10 PM
09/18/15 11:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good night Boomers. See you in the morning. sleep


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
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