“I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'”
– Jack Handy
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A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
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Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinnertable and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
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Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
"Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?"
"Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt."
"Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?"
"Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums."
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A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Florida Marlins."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They never beat anybody."
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A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
I had a swell day off mowing the lawn, having lunch, and gaming.
I started one of my old Medal Of Honor games again. It was almost like playing it for the first time.
It was difficult.............in Easy mode.
I died enough times to fill a whole cemetery.
You know it's VERY emotional getting killed that many times.
Tomorrow I initiate cheat mode......... and revenge mode.
That's if I get to play at all. I have to do all the things that I didn't do today........like shower.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
to you all.
Breakfast out and grocery shopping this morning. Danish, Scrambled Eggs with Cheese, Bacon, Sausage, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and Toast in the NC. 
After that, I plan on catching up on some gaming. 
Have an easy peasy day!
