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Thump Day #1035437
10/08/15 12:59 AM
10/08/15 12:59 AM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-ELAYNE BOOSLER

````````````````````````````````````````

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, ofcourse by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. " Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.

``````````````````````

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

```````````````````````````

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me pass gas."

````````````````````````

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

````````````````````````````````

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

````````````````````````

Felix from the odd couple went on a ballon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote part of the desert. A few days went by with no relief in site. Then...

A plane. Yes Felix saw a plane! The land was so rough that the plane could not land, but they threw him a radio so that they could communicate with him. "Please help me I am dying of thirst", Felix said. The crew said they were going back to get a helicopter but first they would drop him a bag of water. "I have plenty of water" said Felix, "drop me a cup!"

```````````````````````````

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

````````````````````````````

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

`````````````````````````

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your [blip] is under your pillow."

``````````````````````

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my backpack!"

``````````````````````````````````

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

````````````````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


It's almost midnight here actually, and I've had a pretty day. yes


Pretty long..... shocked


Pretty busy..... taz


Pretty tiring... mad


Pretty much over.......at last. yay Yay!


Have a happy day Boomer Buddies.... hug



joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035441
10/08/15 03:11 AM
10/08/15 03:11 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 689
Sweden
RebKean Offline
Settled Boomer
RebKean  Offline
Settled Boomer

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 689
Sweden
And a happy day to you! And to everyone else of course. smile

Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035448
10/08/15 04:31 AM
10/08/15 04:31 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning,have all a nice day. smile wave


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035451
10/08/15 05:12 AM
10/08/15 05:12 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Reb, Haroula and all. Enjoy the coffee and tea! Wishing you all a wonderful day! fall wave


Gerry
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035458
10/08/15 06:38 AM
10/08/15 06:38 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Online content
Graduate Boomer
connie  Online Content
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning all my Diner buddies. To everyone here and all who stop in later have a Super Thump. Day. Danish, Pumpkin Pancakes with Cinnamon and Whipped Cream, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC.


Connie
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035465
10/08/15 07:47 AM
10/08/15 07:47 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers fall

Joe, enjoy the day today!

Reb, have a happy day also.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Connie, hungry this morning. Think I'll have a little of everything.

A walk with the dog this morning. Maybe go grocery shopping this afternoon. Wishing everyone a wonderful Thump day! lab


Gail
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035490
10/08/15 11:12 AM
10/08/15 11:12 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Happy Thursday everyone! Yesterdays hike was lovely,it was 80 degrees and sunny. Today is another great day!

It's almost the weekend!

Have a great day all!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035501
10/08/15 11:49 AM
10/08/15 11:49 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
I drove a REAL police car...wheeeee! I volunteered to be first. Nice police guy talked me through the 'cone' stuff. Driving, turning, backing, through NARROW channels. Only one foot clearance on each side and some turns that are inches away. Wow. I did the in and out slalom stuff, but when I was supposed to back up through them, the head guy came on the mike and said to skip the backing up. He was gauging the time for one run vs. all the people who needed to do it. As it was, not all the class got to do that whole slow exercise. THEN we went on the FAST course. All laid out with lanes and street signs (amazingly they were all intersections in MY neighborhood (how strange). Had to go fast, BUT stop at all intersections. Not a problem, BUT as we started, the cop said, "You can go fast here" so I did. Floored the Crown Victoria (my mom had one) and instead of ME being 'white-knuckled', HE was! He then said I could go slower...hehee. So he asked what type of car I usually drive and of course he figured it out when I said it was a Mitsubishi Eclipse. Smaller, faster, sporty thing.

So we made it through with only ONE cone knocked over (on a slow turn) and then I waited till they started the FAST chase stuff. Some of the people who didn't get to do the slow course went directly to that. Did pretty good, but the best part was the 'chases'. Two cars with lights and sirens chasing each other ONLY the police drove for this as us as passengers. Good deal. Highest speed on the chases was 50 on a very tight course and with all the sharp turn backs etc. Some of the gang went 3 or more times. It was like a ride at an amusement park with everyone lining up for their turns. I skipped this one. My back and legs were hurting and I just enjoyed watching. My friend/neighbor/tenant went 2 times himself and had a great time. I just feel sorry for the people who live on the hill over looking the amphitheater where we were practicing. Must me great with the 'concerts' but not with all those lights and sirens for 2 hours straight. Whew.

So a good night was had by all, I got to meet a few more real cops and next week, it's arresting and subduing suspects. This should be really fun. I figure we will have handcuffs and get to frisk people. scared


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035502
10/08/15 11:50 AM
10/08/15 11:50 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Joe thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Reb have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Connie it all sounds good, thanks! Have a lovely day!

Gail have a nice walk and fun shopping. Have a lovely day!

Ana we had rain over night and the clouds are still here but no rain at the moment! Glad you had a fun hike and lovely weather. Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035509
10/08/15 12:04 PM
10/08/15 12:04 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Thumping Good Thursday ya'll puppy

Doggies and I got up and got out to go round and round and up and down and came home exhausted and sweaty.

We all cooled down and got cleaned up and breakfasted. Then neighbor called and was on the phone while I cleaned up the kitchen.

Now sitting and surfing for a sec. wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Thump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1035512
10/08/15 12:14 PM
10/08/15 12:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon everyone. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035525
10/08/15 01:36 PM
10/08/15 01:36 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Afternoon, Space, you're early today wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Thump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1035545
10/08/15 03:55 PM
10/08/15 03:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
I got a chance to get online at lunch. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035549
10/08/15 04:07 PM
10/08/15 04:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Ahhh, are you home now?


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Thump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1035552
10/08/15 04:22 PM
10/08/15 04:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Yes. happydance


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035565
10/08/15 09:24 PM
10/08/15 09:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Time for bed and a book. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1035567
10/08/15 09:53 PM
10/08/15 09:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Connie pumpkin pancakes, huh? I should have tried them. You know me and pancakes. Maybe tomorrow if you have some more. I'm falling asleep. So I'd better go to bed. My sister is coming tomorrow. hearts I can't wait. Night all.Midgie hearts


Just do it.
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