My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
- DAVE BARRY
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
One day a man walks into a dentist's and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth?
"$160," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $120."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $40."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $20." "Marvelous," says the man, "it's for my wife, can you see her tomorrow?"
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"Yeah well..," said the young man. "we're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send an e-mail to his wife back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error...
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following his heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.
P.S. Sure is hot down here...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck
Good morning everyboomie.
Boy oh boy was that a short day off.
I got up, had my breakfast, brushed my teeth, and now it's time to go back to bed.
Well, I did run to Walmart and buy groceries, and come home and put them up, took Baby for a walk, did three loads of laundry and put them up, and cleaned the living room and Peppers cage, all in between brushing my teeth and now.
I did some cooking as well. I made spaghetti. YUM!!
I found out that old saying 'a watched pot never boils' is so true. I put water on to boil and I watched it for an hour, and it never came to boil.
Even after I turned on the gas it would not boil.
Fortunately before I passed out I remembered that it's necessary to light the gas.
The fire department trucks just left.
After that I forgot to watch the pot, so I never did prove that old saying wrong.
There's another old saying, 'you can't keep a good man down'. I KNOW that one is wrong.
Just ask me and I'll stay in bed.
All night if you want me to.
Have a happy day everyone.