Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.
BILL MCGLASHEN
`````````````````````
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "but my wife does."
``````````````````````````
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
`````````````````````````````
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand down her blouse and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable a#%*hole!" she screamed.
"Oh wow," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
`````````````````````````````````
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
```````````````````````
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
```````````````````````````
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
``````````````````````
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
```````````````````````````
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Would you like to know exactly what I think of all you guys?
Could one of you come over and rock me to sleep?
It's alright really. I don't think going to sleep will be a problem.
Waking up will be a problem but that's ok too, I don't need any help there either.
So....now that we have that straight......
I hope you all have a happy day.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe and everyone. Joe you are the greatest! Coffee is ready and tea water too. Anyone for hot chocolate? Got some ready too. Wishing you all a happy day! 
Have an easy peasy day!
