People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
-JERRY SEINFELD
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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's [blip] near perfect."
He never heard the shot....
Now how would they know if he heard it or not?
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Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
And again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Oh my God! What on earth for?", asked the first woman.
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a rip?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical [blip]."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that?"
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Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men's names. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died."
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care where your money came from."
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A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
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Good morning everyboomie.
It would be nice to call off of work today,
And give my boss a good reason to say,
Ok, well we don't need you anyway,
Good luck & Godspeed, now go away to stay.
I guess it's a good thing I took a vacation day.
Now me and Baby are going to the creek to play.
Sorry!
Baby and I are going to the creek to play.
My momma and 12 teachers tried real hard to teach me good grammar, while I hardly tried to learn it.
It's going to be an awesome day in the low 70s, and I don't know what to expect. We only got 4 or 5 inches of rain, and that may not have been enough to clear out the debris, and leave some points washed up to find.
It doesn't matter anyway cause it's into the woods we go.
I wish.....
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula, and everyone. Joe have fun hunting for "points" with Baby! Ana sounds like a busy day! Haroula have a happy day too. Coffee and tea are ready and hot chocolate too. Wishing you all a great day! 
Have an easy peasy day!
