Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.-
- GEORGE BURNS -
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Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he said. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.
"Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're home or not."
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Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's pen*s, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Well I've kinda spoiled your mother son."
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A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red whelp on his forehead.
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Now that's taking celebrating to a whole new level?'
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Well, he's thinking about getting married and I wanted to show him something."
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A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The father asked him the nature of this, to which he replied, "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."
The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed.
Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her.
The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now.
The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about.
Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church.
"Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried.
"Well," she said, "those people at the super market sure told us not to come back!"
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A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong, "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though,she gave me $20 change."
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Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.
"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to time travel Sunday!!
I'm actually talking to you from the past, and I have to remind myself that it's actually 1:00 now instead of 12:00, and I've been up for a very long time.
I hope you all have a super day, and feel free to sleep in an hour today.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. All the little ones were so cute Treat or Treating in their costumes last night! 
Happy Day wished for everyone! 
