An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
-AGATHA CHRISTIE-
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A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks:
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies:
"What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied
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A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.
So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"
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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite.."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything ! on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know! why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good , thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; but you'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl.'
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Another Monday, a nuther week, and we are in November now. Only two months left in this year. WHOA! can ya believe it?
This week I have two mid shifts (double yuck!), and two openers.
That's at least one more day than I even want to work in a row.
After all I'm 64 years old (almost nearly), and a physical misfit.
I get winded going down an escalator for Pete's sake.
Who is Pete anyway?
I guess I'd better get in my cryo-chamber for rejuvenation. I have an early appointment with a VA rep.
I'm thinking about reenlisting.
Hey look me over.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have an easy peasy day!
