They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
~GARRISON KEILLOR~
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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service was it? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.
One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Haley said, "Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts."
"That's a good idea, Dear." Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen.
Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Haley looked at it and said, "Oh Ben, you forgot the toast."
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Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- bblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..."
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As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
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An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''
Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:
''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''
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A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. "What's the matter"? The nurse asked as she stood beside him.
Sobbing, the old man cried, "My [blip] died today", and began to cry hysterically.
The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great loss.
A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his [blip] hanging freely out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice and asked, "Mr. Jones...I thought your [blip] passed away a couple days ago."
He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing."
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Good morning everyboomie........and guest.......and spiders.
Welcome to the last day of your work week.
It's the first day of my work week, which runs Friday, Saturday, & Sunday.
So Friday is actually Friday and Monday and Wednesday, Saturday is Saturday and Thursday, and Sunday is both Sunday and Friday.
I had to use a worm hole to get from Sunday to Friday.
That was a huge worm too.
I thought I was on Dune........."Muad'Dib, We have worm sign ."
I wish I could worm my way out of work today, but hay....or hey, whichever you prefer, it's only three days.
Have a great........
...Friday everybody.
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Have a lovely day!
