I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said, 'No, Six should be enough.' - Les Dawson
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A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.
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Steve Wright
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
I have a map of the world at home. Full size, I spent last summer folding it.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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Oscar Wilde
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?' Under an assumed name' , came the reply from Oscar Wilde.
A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
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Ronnie Barker
'Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.'
'We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.'
In a packed program tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.'
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Spike Milligan
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one
All men are cremated equal
Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
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Groucho Marx Quotes
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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Top Twenty *Peter Kay Jokes
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a "use by" date?
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Good morning everyboomie.
Only 349 shopping days left until Christmas.
That's already taking into account that this is a leap year, so don't make the mistake of thinking you have 350 days.
If you're like me (a procrastinator), and you don't look at the calendar every single day, then things kinda sneak up on you.
That's also taking into account that 'most' businesses close on Thanksgiving. If you know one that is open on TG and plan to shop there on TG, then congratulations you can add that day back in, and crank her back up to 350.
Also note that I am writing this post on the 9th, so if you are just reading it on the 10th, then that counts as one of your 349 or 350 days.
That's all I'm going to say about it ok? If I had my way leap year would be December 25th.........every 10 years.
Ok I gotta run now and LEAP into bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you get your shopping done in time. 
Sleep well tonight.
at the creek. Stay dry. Will you take both dogs?
