It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard
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True Life Can Be As Funny As A Joke
Desperate Bridegroom Needed Money For Wedding
A desperate bridegroom faces jail, not a reception and honeymoon, as his reward for staging four bank robberies after his fiancée's plans for a huge white wedding got out of hand. His "bride to be" demanded a reception with 500 guests, a Chanel wedding gown, a new car for the drive to the service and a Caribbean honeymoon.
The poor man was unable to provide the money for these jollities so he stole some £300,000 [$ 4,228,210 USD] in bank robberies throughout Austria before he was caught when an off duty policeman grabbed him as he fled from a bank in Vienna.
'The wedding was costing a lot of money and I realised I would never be able to pay for it,' he told the court. 'The money from the first robbery went in a day so I just kept going.'
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Help Police - Find Me A Husband!
Divorcee, Angela Stahl, aged 44, a desperate housewife, has been reported for wasting police time in Germany after dialling 999 more than one hundred times in the hope of finding a new husband. We have learned that she plagued the emergency line with endless calls claiming she couldn't afford dating agencies.
Eventually and unsurprisingly two police officers finally visited her home in Berlin, Germany and confiscated the battery from her mobile phone.
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TV Licence Demand Sent To 16th Century Mathematician
A German mathematician who died 450 years ago has been sent a letter demanding that he pay for a TV licence. Algebra expert, Adam Ries, who bought the property in 1525 was sent the bill in Germany.
'We received a letter saying "To Mr Adam Ries" on it, with the request to pay his television and radio fees,' said Annegret Muench, who now heads a club honouring the mathematician, which uses the house as its HQ. Miss Muench returned the letter to the GEZ with a note explaining the request had come too late, as Ries had died in 1559, but she still received a reminder a few weeks later.
This was not the first time the GEZ had sent a bill to those in the afterlife. Last year, a school named after the poet Friedrich Schiller, who died in 1805, received a reminder asking him to declare all radios and televisions in his home and pay the corresponding fees.
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Picking Lemons Is Easy
Sally Winters wanted to earn some money so she applied for a post in a Florida lemon grove which seemed eminently suitable but Sally was concerned that she might be over qualified for the job.
'Look Miss Winters,' said Archie, the foreman, seriously 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?' 'Well, as a matter of fact, yes,' came Sally's reply and she added confidently, 'I've been divorced three times.'
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Six Items Madam?
Ranjit was in the express lane at his local Wal-Mart supermarket quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of him had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Can you imagine Ranjit's delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart, and asked her sweetly which six items she would like to buy?
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How To Get A Table In A Crowded Restaurant
The Harbour Lights Restaurant, Portsmouth, England, was extremely busy last Saturday evening and they had no free tables.
My elderly neighbours, Ronnie and Sylvie Hartson, were told there would be, at least, an 1 ½ hours wait to be seated.
'Young man,' explained Ronnie patiently, looking at Sylvie with a twinkle in his eye, 'we're both 93 years old and we may not have 45 minutes.'
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Finally: 'Stop That Laughing.'
Gary Saunders, a motorist from Liverpool, England, was stopped by a traffic police officer and reprimanded for laughing at the wheel of his car. He was using a hands-free 'phone when he burst out laughing at a joke told him by his brother-in-law.
A few moments later he noticed a traffic officer flashing his lights at him and gesticulating at him to stop his Renault. When Mr Saunders got out of his car, the policeman castigated him, 'Laughing while driving a car can be an offence.'
'I couldn't believe it when he told me I'd been pulled over for laughing,' Mr Saunders is reported as saying, 'I was driving very safely in the Birkenhead Tunnel and took a call. He said something funny and I was laughing; simple as that. I never took my eyes off the road and was in full control of the car. I definitely wasn't speeding so I asked what the problem was and he told me I was laughing too much.'
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Funny Fainting Fit
Simon had fainted. When the paramedics arrived they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
'It was enough to make anybody faint,' he spluttered. 'My son, Rod, asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.'
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A Good Read?
'Andy, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?' whines his wife, Sonia.
'Huh?' Andy responds.
'Look around you,' Sonia yells as she points around the room. 'All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!'
'Oh. I'm sorry,' mutters Andy.
'You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me,' explodes Sonia.
'Hmmm,' Andy mumbles deep in thought, ' then at least I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.'
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Seeing the Light
Sara to husband, Norman, 'Let's go out and have some fun tonight.'
'Okay,' says Norman quietly, ' but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.'
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well I was scheduled Monday & Tuesday from 10:00 till 7:00. Just before 8:00 this morning, my manager calls me and tells me I can come in earlier if I want to. I asked 'what's up?'
He told me one of the stockers, working on a lift truck, hit a sprinkler head on the firewater line and flooded our whole department.
I made it to work by 9:00, and proceeded to start getting all the product off of the floor, and out of the way for clean up.
It was a minor disaster. No wait! Is that an oxymoron?
It's going to take a few days get it all cleaned up, and back to normal.
The store manager was asking someone else to come in at 5:00 Tuesday, so I offered to do the same, and he said yes.
That means I'll get off early. Also means get to bed......now!!
Have a
day everyone.
joe