A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.' - Henny Youngman
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Ten Very Funny Tales of Weird People: You Couldn't Make It Up!
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two [counterfeit] $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, Missouri, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle laboured for thirteen years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an inebriated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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A priest goes into a barber's shop sits down, gets a good haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him.
The barber says, 'Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth there is no charge you.'
The priest blesses the barber and says, 'Thank you very much' and goes about his business. The next day, 10 gold coins magically appear on the barber's doorstep.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, 'No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house.'
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 10 magnificent rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay and the barber says, 'No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace.'
Then the next day, the barber opens his shop to find 10 Rabbis waiting for a haircut.
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Governmentium A New Element
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named 'Governmentium.' Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years in America*; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
* In other countries the half-life can be different, for example in the UK it can be up to 5 years.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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Jackson, a friend of ours, applied to have his boat registered with the Queen's Harbourmaster in Portsmouth.
After getting no response for some time, he telephoned the government office in question. The young woman he spoke to was helpful and polite. 'Just a minute,' she replied happily, 'and I'll check.' She came back on the line seconds later, having found his application. She told him it had been acted on and was ready to be returned to him. She apologised for any delay.
Overwhelmed at this display of competence and good manners, Jackson thanked her, adding, 'This is the first time I have ever received such efficient and courteous treatment at the hands of a government agency.'
'Oh, thank you,' she replied, 'I guess it's just that I started here today.'
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American Governmentium
I have some practical research results to add to governmentium. At least a behavior pattern in American governmentium.
There is a cyclical event, elections, which occurs at different times in the pots of Congressium, Senatium and Presidentorium. When this happens the elements become, in order of above, con-oriums, senileiums and a singlewannabepresidentagainium, which becomes opposed to a single isomorphic wannabenewpresidentium.
During the process of election all three become highly irritative and antagonistic toward each other. As pseudo-unified groups they attack each other while accomplishing nothing and showing no positive movement of their own. When the election process is over the elements again become seated: at which point they then turn on the populations outside of their respective houses. Althouth there may be new con-oriums and senileiums, and every four years perhaps a new presidentium, the weight and motionless nature of governmentium binds the elements again, and nothing changes.
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Political Wisdom
If it were not for the government, we would have nothing else to laugh at in France. Nicholas Chamfort [1741-1794 French Wit]
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. George Jean Nathan [Born 1882, American editor, author and critic]
The American Government is a rule of the people, by the people, and for the boss. Austin O'Malley [1858-1932 Writer]
I don't make jokes; I just watch the Government and report the facts. Will Rogers
Englishmen will never be slaves. They are free to do whatever the government and public opinion allow them to do. George Bernard Shaw
The art of Government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of person to give to the other. Voltaire [18th century French philosopher, historian and satirist]
In America, the President reigns for four years and journalism forever and ever. Oscar Wilde [1856-1900 British wit, poet and dramatist]
Three Wishes
One day a civil servant in Whitehall, London, UK, was clearing out his office drawers when he found a magic lamp. Since he'd heard many jokes before to do with lamps, he knew that he had to rub it and make the genie appear. This he did and out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies do, 'What is your first wish, oh master?'
The civil servant thought about it for a second, then replied, 'I would like to be extremely rich.' So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivalling the amounts of even Bill Gates and Roman Abramovich.
Since the government employee knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, 'My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command.' And poof, he was there.
Then the executive decided on his third wish, 'I don't want to do any work ever again in my life.' And poof he was back in his office.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Boy I am so tired!
Did not sleep good at all last night, and I've got to go.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe