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Hump Day #1049695
01/12/16 11:52 PM
01/12/16 11:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.' - Henny Youngman

`````````````````````````````````````````

Ten Very Funny Tales of Weird People: You Couldn't Make It Up!

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two [counterfeit] $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, Missouri, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle laboured for thirteen years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an inebriated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

```````````````````

A priest goes into a barber's shop sits down, gets a good haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, 'Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth there is no charge you.'

The priest blesses the barber and says, 'Thank you very much' and goes about his business. The next day, 10 gold coins magically appear on the barber's doorstep.

A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, 'No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house.'

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 10 magnificent rubies.

The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay and the barber says, 'No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace.'

Then the next day, the barber opens his shop to find 10 Rabbis waiting for a haircut.

```````````````````````````````

Governmentium A New Element

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named 'Governmentium.' Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years in America*; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

* In other countries the half-life can be different, for example in the UK it can be up to 5 years.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

````````````````````````

Jackson, a friend of ours, applied to have his boat registered with the Queen's Harbourmaster in Portsmouth.

After getting no response for some time, he telephoned the government office in question. The young woman he spoke to was helpful and polite. 'Just a minute,' she replied happily, 'and I'll check.' She came back on the line seconds later, having found his application. She told him it had been acted on and was ready to be returned to him. She apologised for any delay.

Overwhelmed at this display of competence and good manners, Jackson thanked her, adding, 'This is the first time I have ever received such efficient and courteous treatment at the hands of a government agency.'

'Oh, thank you,' she replied, 'I guess it's just that I started here today.'

```````````````````````````````

American Governmentium

I have some practical research results to add to governmentium. At least a behavior pattern in American governmentium.

There is a cyclical event, elections, which occurs at different times in the pots of Congressium, Senatium and Presidentorium. When this happens the elements become, in order of above, con-oriums, senileiums and a singlewannabepresidentagainium, which becomes opposed to a single isomorphic wannabenewpresidentium.

During the process of election all three become highly irritative and antagonistic toward each other. As pseudo-unified groups they attack each other while accomplishing nothing and showing no positive movement of their own. When the election process is over the elements again become seated: at which point they then turn on the populations outside of their respective houses. Althouth there may be new con-oriums and senileiums, and every four years perhaps a new presidentium, the weight and motionless nature of governmentium binds the elements again, and nothing changes.

```````````````````````````

Political Wisdom

If it were not for the government, we would have nothing else to laugh at in France. Nicholas Chamfort [1741-1794 French Wit]

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. George Jean Nathan [Born 1882, American editor, author and critic]

The American Government is a rule of the people, by the people, and for the boss. Austin O'Malley [1858-1932 Writer]

I don't make jokes; I just watch the Government and report the facts. Will Rogers

Englishmen will never be slaves. They are free to do whatever the government and public opinion allow them to do. George Bernard Shaw

The art of Government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of person to give to the other. Voltaire [18th century French philosopher, historian and satirist]

In America, the President reigns for four years and journalism forever and ever. Oscar Wilde [1856-1900 British wit, poet and dramatist]


Three Wishes

One day a civil servant in Whitehall, London, UK, was clearing out his office drawers when he found a magic lamp. Since he'd heard many jokes before to do with lamps, he knew that he had to rub it and make the genie appear. This he did and out popped a genie.

The genie asked, as genies do, 'What is your first wish, oh master?'

The civil servant thought about it for a second, then replied, 'I would like to be extremely rich.' So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivalling the amounts of even Bill Gates and Roman Abramovich.

Since the government employee knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, 'My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command.' And poof, he was there.

Then the executive decided on his third wish, 'I don't want to do any work ever again in my life.' And poof he was back in his office.

`````````````````````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Boy I am so tired! tired


Did not sleep good at all last night, and I've got to go. sleep


Have a happy day everyone. smile


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049697
01/13/16 12:12 AM
01/13/16 12:12 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Hope you sleep better tonight, Joe. How is the cleanup going?

Have a great day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049710
01/13/16 06:15 AM
01/13/16 06:15 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe hope you slept better. Ana enjoy your day! Coffee is ready and tea too. wave


Gerry
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049715
01/13/16 07:32 AM
01/13/16 07:32 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Hump Day. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and BB Pancakes in the NC. hamster


Connie
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049717
01/13/16 07:56 AM
01/13/16 07:56 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning all. waveHave a nice day. joy


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049732
01/13/16 09:03 AM
01/13/16 09:03 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 7,707
The Country
Winfrey Offline
BAAG Specialist
Winfrey  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 7,707
The Country
Morning everyone hope everyone has a safe and great day


Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody
Gibran
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049734
01/13/16 09:08 AM
01/13/16 09:08 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers winter

Joe, Hope today is an easy work day for you.

Ana, Enjoy whatever plans you have for the day.

Gerry, coffee please and thank you.

Connie, good day wishes to you.

Haroula, have a happy day!

Winfrey, good morning.

Wishing everone a wonderful Hump Day!

hamster


Gail
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049745
01/13/16 11:40 AM
01/13/16 11:40 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Joe I hope you had a good sleep last night! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Ana always nice to walk in a new blanket of snow and take pictures. Hope it was fun! Have a lovely day!

Gerry thank you for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Connie thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Winfrey good morning and have a lovely day!

Gail did you get much snow last night? Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

Re: Hump Day [Re: auntiegram] #1049754
01/13/16 12:10 PM
01/13/16 12:10 PM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 69,973
MaG Offline
Sonic Boomer
MaG  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 69,973
Joe,

Will this help? tantrum

Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049756
01/13/16 12:19 PM
01/13/16 12:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
rotfl MaG!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049757
01/13/16 12:33 PM
01/13/16 12:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Happy Hump Day ya'll puppy

It's another gorgeous day in AL....blue skies, bright sun, and we will be in the 60's. I'm very much hoping to hit the park today, but I have a lot I have to get done today so we shall see.

I'm making Chili for hubby to take to work tomorrow and homemade chicken soup for us for dinner. I also need to make shampoo and hand cleaner for the bathroom and perhaps some mad-scientisting with an eye toward the neuropathy in my right leg. The chili and the soup have to happen...everything else is "I'd like to get it done, but it can wait if it has to."

Joe, hope you slept well. It makes such a difference.

Ana, how ya doing? Did your shopping with son happen the other day?

Gerry, thanks for the coffee and the tea. I'll be sampling both.

Connie, Bacon sandwiches...woo hoo joy

Haroula, how's Jr?

Winfrey wave

Gail, shall we dance hamster

Nan, did you get snow?

MaG wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049758
01/13/16 12:57 PM
01/13/16 12:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Yep Connie! You got me too with those bacon sandwiches! My dad used to make them for my school lunches in elementary school. The good old days return. Yummmmmmm!

GIMPY the errant Outdoorsie cat returned last night. He was looking healthy, shiny, clean but had a left front leg limp. He was totally favoring it and not coming up to the feeding table. I shoved a plate of food near him on the deck and he ate it happily. Mini-me (the kitten who was getting to know Gimpy) rushed over to try to play. Gimpy had just started to 'tease' Mini-me with a flapping tail the days before he disappeared. So they were both happy, except when Mini-me jumped on Gimpy's back and got turned over and held down and growled at. Just a friendly play.

Don't know where Gimpy has been, obviously not in distress except for that front leg (and he was favoring it a bit before he left) but amazingly, his back legs, which were very much hurt (probably his back) and scooting around mostly, were BETTER, Yep, he was actually standing upright, and taking good steps with those legs. Maybe his back is healing. Maybe however he hurt his back long ago, is now unhurting? I will have to see if he reappears today again. At least I know he's OK. Whew. Miss my critters even if they are totally wild and untouchable. blackkitty


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Hump Day [Re: Sorta Blonde] #1049763
01/13/16 01:58 PM
01/13/16 01:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and hope you had a better night's sleep! Happy Hump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Looking like rain may be coming...

Alrighty, off to see what's afoot!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049772
01/13/16 03:13 PM
01/13/16 03:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Pot of chili simmering. Off to the park lab


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Hump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1049779
01/13/16 04:45 PM
01/13/16 04:45 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049782
01/13/16 04:58 PM
01/13/16 04:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Hiya Space wave

The park was lovely. Fine tuning the chili. Think we will have to steal some for our dinner tonight....joy


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Hump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1049788
01/13/16 05:39 PM
01/13/16 05:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Hi looney.

We have warmed up to double digits here today. shiver


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049793
01/13/16 06:03 PM
01/13/16 06:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Hey, a heat wave lab


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Hump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1049796
01/13/16 06:48 PM
01/13/16 06:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
I can deal with the cold but ice on the roads is terrible. tantrum


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049807
01/13/16 09:40 PM
01/13/16 09:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
hamster lab and I are all heading for bath and bed. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Hump Day [Re: looney4labs] #1049810
01/13/16 09:52 PM
01/13/16 09:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good night Boomers. sleep


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049812
01/13/16 09:54 PM
01/13/16 09:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Sweet dreams...


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1049961
01/14/16 11:40 PM
01/14/16 11:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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