I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
—Ronald Reagan
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Laura Aged 93Just before the funeral service, Mr Thompson, the undertaker came up to Laura, the very elderly widow and asked her, 'How old was your husband?'
'95,' Laura replied. 'Just two years older than me.'
'So you're 93,' Mr Thompson the undertaker observed.
Laura responded with a wry grin, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
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Irish DirectionsMy personal involvement with Irish humour came when I went on holiday to the west coast. I soon got lost in Lahinch and I wanted directions to get to Lisdoonvarna, when I asked a local he said. If I wanted to get to Lisdoonvarna I would not start here, I would start in Ennis.
Irish Racing StoryRacing is a national pastime, I soon got accustomed to the Reverend fathers, rushing past me to get a bet on at the race track. My mate Trev spotted one Reverend father making a big fuss of a horse in the parade ring. Amazingly the horse went on to win the next race easily.
We took great interest when we saw the same Reverend father bless another horse in the next race, blow me, this horse won too. Well we were hot on the Reverend father's coat tails for the third race and as soon as he patted a horse called Foxy Loxy, we raced off to get the best odds we could with the bookies.
Foxy Loxy was well up with the pace on the first circuit, but down the back straight for the second time, Foxy Loxy dropped to the rear. Then to our chagrin it dropped dead by the water jump.
When we went back to the bar we fell into conversation with a local, and told him the tale of the Reverend father. 'Be gora' he said, 'you have to learn the difference between when Reverend Murphy is blessing a horse and when he is giving it the last rites' .
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The Funny Tale of O'Malley and the Scuba DiverDiver Irish JokesEven though O'Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer to a question that had annoyed him for decades.
Here it is.
Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend Murphy, 'Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?'
To which Murphy replies, 'If they fell forwards they'd still be in the flippin' boat.'
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Cutting the GrassMichael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Funniest Irish Joke
O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'
'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.
'Send me lawn out to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.
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An Amusing Waterford Wife
A Waterford wife, Pauline, was keeping a close eye on her new neighbours.
'They seem perfectly devoted to each other,' she opined to husband, Ryan. 'He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the window. Why don't you do that?'
'But, I hardly know the woman,' was Ryan's reply.
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The Irish in Space
Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac, where are we goin?'
MacArthur replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.'
'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?'
'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says MacArthur, 'the man said we'd be going at night.'
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Irish Mothers ChatTwo Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'
Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'
'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'
'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'
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Tis A Funny Irish Story - So It IsSean Muldoon loved his dog, Willy, and he walked the dog constantly through town.
When Muldoon and Willy would go on their walks, they would stop to talk to just about everyone they met along the way. Naturally, everyone in town eventually knew both Muldoon and Willy. This went on for years.
One sad day Old Sean Muldoon went on his usual walk, but this time he walked all alone without Willy.
Patrick O'Halloran was the first to spy Old Sean without his faithful companion. 'Where's Willy?' asked O'Halloran.
'Tis a sad day 'tis, Patrick,' replied Muldoon. 'I had to put poor ol' Willy down, I did. I loved that dog dearly.'
'Oh no,' cried O'Halloran, 'Did he go rabid? Was he mad?'
'Well, he was none too pleased,' replied Muldoon.
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Snakes in Ireland
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.
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Funniest Irish One-linersI ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails', Mick requested of the travelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
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Could be Worse
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'
'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
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The Fame of Red Adair At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.
On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.
The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was.
The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?
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Good morning everyboomie.
I am enjoying the evening with my critters.
Spoiled little mess making, brat critters.
Baby is fun to wrestle with, and a joy, but the little one, I can't even keep up with.
The dog has cat-like reflexes.
I think she could run up the wall, and across the ceiling if she wanted to.
She's like a ninja dog.
She does
NOT get off the leash when we go walking.
She could follow a squirrel up a tree, and she would attack a Rottweiler, which would probably get me killed.
Time to go have some nightmares about that one.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Dogs are awesome!
Ana snap crackle, pop - yikes! 
Haroula enjoy your day. 
Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a great day! 
The worst thing is: This site was advertised on TV. Yup. I typed it in from their commercial. Wonder if anyone knows what happens when you try to get 'absolutely free, instant information on anyone'. I sure know. Oh and at the end of it all, the FREE information of course isn't free at all. I spent about 15 minutes going through pages and pages of 'searching' and then they wanted my name address phone, credit card etc. Gads. How does this get on a real TV commercial?????
