It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!!
—Lewis Black
````````````````
American in ParisHarvey, an elderly American absentmindedly arrived at French immigration at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris and fumbled for his passport.
'You have been to France before Monsieur?' the official asked in an aggressive tone.
Harvey, smiled and admitted that he had been to France before.
'In that case you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection,' barked the bad-tempered officer.
Harvey gently informed the man that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport or any other documents.
'Pas possible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in 'la belle France.'
Harvey gave the Frenchman a long hard look. 'I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day
in 1944, there was no damned Frenchman on the beach asking for passports.'
```````````````````````````
This Is Allegedly a True StoryThe name of a two-year-old boy was listed on the country's list of wanted suspects. He was briefly banned from getting on a plane bound for Turkey. The details on the toddler's passport had been the same as those in an arrest warrant, even the date of birth.
'While going through the passport checking procedures to get on board, one of the officers on duty said they wanted to take Suhail,' Emirates Today quoted the boy's father, Abdullah Mohamed Saleh, as saying. 'I thought he was kidding me and said 'Take him if you want'. He showed me a print-out of a document that said Suhail was wanted and there was an arrest warrant for him.'
Officials said they would investigate the cause of the mix-up.
`````````````````````````````
50 Dollars is 50Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. 'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther I'm 85 years old. if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.' The pilot over heard the couple and said, 'folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! but if you say one word, it's 50 dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. the pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. he did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't . I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'well I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!'
`````````````````````
The American and the Welsh Farmers (Adaptable Short Story)An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. ' Dew dew', said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'
````````````````````````````````````
Grandfather in the Ark?My sister's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark.
The little boy asked, 'Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?' Gosh no' , said Granddad.' In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?'
```````````````````````````````````````````
Easy to Swallow?My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
`````````````````````````
Shown-up in the SupermarketDylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'
She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'
Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, 'When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.'
No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.
``````````````````````````````
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.
A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.' To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'
``````````````````````````````
Amazing, True, Naughty But Hilarious Newspaper StoryThe Bristol Evening Post newspaper has informed Will and Guy of the following amusing happening.
Outside Bristol Zoo is a car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with a ticket machine. The charges are £1 per car and £5.per coach. [$1.60 and $8.12 USD]
Apparently on Monday 1st June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant. The Council told Zoo, 'That car park is your responsibility.'
The Zoo replied, 'The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?'
The Council said, 'What attendant?'
Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400 per day [$650 USD] for the last 23 years.
````````````````````````````
More, Strange and Funny Newspaper HeadlinesUnknown source: Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung.
Unknown source: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
Aberdeen Evening Express: At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. Rescue by a man on an inflatable lobster
Chattering teeth headline
The Times: A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common.'
The Daily Telegraph: Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North-west Gas said 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
BBC news online: Researchers at Leicester University discovered that playing songs such as Simon and Garfunkel's 'Bridge Over Troubled Water', and popular 1950s standard 'Moon River' to cows succeeded in relieving tension - and boosting milk yields.
De Groene Amsterdammer: A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders [about $240USD] for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a 'four-legged flame-thrower' and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay. Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000USD.The cow was unharmed.
Manchester Evening News: Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.
Barnsley Chronicle: Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, who had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.
Belga [The Belgium news agency]: man suspected of robbing a jewellery store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Daily Telegraph: In a piece headed 'Brussels Pays £200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes: the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.'
`````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
My my my how time flies.
It seems like only yesterday it was Wednesday.......and what a short Wednesday it was.
Actually it still is Wednesday. I'm the ghost of Wednesdays past......
....almost past......as in almost over.
Thursday should be ok though. I heard it's forecast to be 24 hours long.
Since it's going to be such a long day, I'd better get off my lazy duff and do something.
Gotta get my rest so I can make it through a long day. It'll be tiring.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. Hope you all have a great day. 
Have an easy peasy day!
