A Digital Dictionary

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

—Dave Barry

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Funny School Excuse Notes

Normally 'teachers jokes' mean fun at a teacher's expense, whereas these excuse notes are teacher's revenge, having a laugh at pupil's excuses, some were even written by the children themselves.

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling), collected by schools from all over the country.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please exkuce Pam for being absent from skool. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School:
Please exscuse Cecil being absent on June 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Marvin from Physical Education lessons for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Ray was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Bethan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Eddie for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. Funny Maths Howlers

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Mary-ann was absent October 8-11, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

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You Have to Be a School teacher If

You have no time for a life from the end of August until Mid-July.

You want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work from 8.30am to 3.15pm and have your summers and weekends free.'

When you're out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behaviour.

You refer to adults as, 'boys and girls.'

You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a 'good helper.'

Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, 'Why is this child like he is?'

you believe 'extremely annoying' should have its own box on the report.

You know hundreds of 'good' reasons for being late.

You don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't raise your blood pressure.

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The teacher asked her class of 8 year olds to use a sentence containing the word fascinate

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bosoms are so big she can only fasten eight.'

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Schoolboy Howler

The closest town to France is Dover, you can go by train or take a fairy. (David aged 11)

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A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing Christmas scenes. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Sarah replied, 'They will in a minute'

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Extracts from Funny Resumes

1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'

2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'

3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'

4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'

5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'

6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'

7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'

8. 'Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.'

9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'

10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.'

11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'

12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'

13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '

16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'

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A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. 'What is the meaning of this?' the personnel officer asked. 'When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position You've ever held.'

'True', the young man answered with a smile, 'in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.'

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How to Create a Good Impression on Your First Day

An apprentice plumber has burned down a £5 million ($10 million USD) waterside mansion in southwest England, after a soldering task during his first day on the job went horribly wrong. The historic mansion in Kingswear, Devon, was undergoing a £2 million renovation when a fire ripped through the eight-bedroom house overnight. In just minutes it burned it down to the ground.

John Howes, of the Devon and Somerset Fire and Rescue Service, said the plumber was 'very upset', reports BBC news.

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How to Handle Job Rejection Positively

An example of not taking 'No' for an answer.

Charles Ryan
Vice President
Company 509
509 Wall St.
New York, NY 10047

Dear Mr. Ryan,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 509's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
James Pearson

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Pay Raise

One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, 'I must have a pay raise. You should realise there are three other companies after me.'

'Really?' replied Martin's boss, 'And who might these companies be?'

'Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom', answered Martin.

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Reason of Leaving Last Job

Joe said he quit his job at the local Helium-Gas production factory. He just couldn't go on working there anymore - being spoken to in that tone of voice!

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Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type
real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really
seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my
persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


My spellcheck just exploded.

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Ten Funny Gaffs from Real Job Application Forms

'I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.'

'Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.'

'As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.'

'Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.'

'Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ' job-hopping' . I have never quit a job.'

'Marital status: often. Children: various.'

'Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.'

'The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

'Finished eighth in my class of ten.'

'References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.'

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Good morning everyboomie.


Well I must have walked 2 miles today from one end of the creek to another, and didn't find anything but heartache and disappointment.


All of the rocks that I looked at were innumerable. I know because I lost count somewhere after a billion and forty some-odd thousand.


I need another flash flood event, and I'm not talking about my toilet running over.


The last time that happened I didn't find any points at all.


I had a customer whom I had sold a mower to last Summer, that told me I could come and walk around his place to look for arrowheads, with a good chance of finding some. Well I've been waiting for a good time because he lives over 40 miles from here. I tried calling him all day Sunday to set it up, but he never answered his phone, or returned my calls. I can only assume that he's changed his mind.........or, he died and CAN'T answer his phone.


Just see if I ever sell HIM another mower.


It's difficult to find people that will let you look on their property.


I'm just so happy that the guy who bought our place told me I can come back and walk around his property anytime I like.


Well it's time to get my pacifier and get to bed. Early rise tomorrow.


Have a happy day everyone.


joe

Joe, I hope that you can get hold of the guy. It would be great if you can have a new place to hunt. Hope your workday passes quickly!

Have a great day everyone!

Ana

Have a great Tuesday everyone.

Have a terrific day Joe, Ana, Space Quest and all who follow.

Well, I had a nice day off today. I've been playing The Moment of Silence, and I'm enjoying it even more this time around. Such a terrific game. It appears a lot of people from my company couldn't make it in to work today, so at least I know I'm not alone. Also, barely anyone left the apartment complex, so most people here weren't able to make it to their jobs either.

I think I should be able to make it in tomorrow. At least that's my plan. The new employee in training, who also wasn't able to get out of his neighborhood, called me today to check if I'm going to be there. Apparently, he's supposed to work with me tomorrow, which will be good, as I'll have some catching up to do after losing a day.

As for now, I'm off to sleep. Have a great Tuesday, everyone.

Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone. I have the morning off.

Midgie

Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, venus, Midgie and everyone. Joe Good Luck getting to hunt heads in the new place. Ana have a great day. SpaceQ enjoy! Venus hope your work day goes well. Midgie how are you? Wishing you a peaceful day. Coffee and tea are ready. Have a Happy Day everyone!

Have a great day everyone.

Morning everyone, Joe I hope you get permission to look on that man's property...I enjoy seeing the arrowheads that you post. Weather is finally rising.... took blankets off the horses Sunday... Rosie was soooooo pretty... she is a Chestnut and she was shinning like copper penny.... yesterday I went and played with her.... what a difference... mud all over... fortunately this week is going to be really nice and I can give her a proper grooming.
ok this is a dog.... but use your imagination and pretend it is a horsie... :-)

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and enjoy your Tuesday's!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, off to see what's afoot!

Happy Tuesday to all. Just called in to Vehicle Abatement about a pesky Cab over camper that plagues our neighborhood. This time it was my turn. Huge thing and it blocks the vision of several neighbors trying to get out of their driveways on a VERY busy and fast traffic street. The Abatement guy will probably get around to marking this one by the end of the week and then wait another week until they finally tow it. Usually the guy who owns it manages to keep track and moves it just before the tow truck shows up. He's a smart one. Just lives up 6 or 7 houses from mine. He's a habitual offender. I'm hoping the 'new' pay to park rule will apply to him. We are just getting going with a fee for RV parking on city streets. I doubt it will work. It's supposed to be for residents to get a permit to temporarily park their OWN RV vehicles in front of their own houses. Now how does that apply to NON-owned interlopers? Doesn't. So I guess we just follow the old 72 hour rule, call it in, wait a week or so and then it gets towed. Can't win around here. Major problem with transients in motor homes (some really huge ones) parking in large groups on some streets. Can't get rid of them. This little one I know from seeing it for the last year or so. The guy will move it eventually and it will be just around the corner probably.

OH! news on the 'Apartments', 2 houses up from me. Used to be a big problem with fights and ambulances and police all the time. It's actually listed in the property description as a DUPLEX. Yup. 2 addresses. So the guy who runs it (with the ex wife of the original owner) subdivided the apartments into probably 20 or more single rooms, some without windows. They all share a few bathrooms, no kitchens. One lady (our friendly drunk who has been there TEN years) started a fire one night with her heating plate. She was badly burned but thankfully no permanent damage.

Anyway, just ran into her yesterday and chatted. Seems that CODE enforcement finally caught up with those 'Landlords'. They had started more hammering and then I saw several doors on the upper deck. This was before Christmas. Seems that he wasn't making MORE rooms as we thought, he was REMOVING partitions and doors ala the City Code Enforcement Team.

So several people were 'evicted'. We had noticed that the parking area was pretty empty lately. My 'friend' said she got a notice to move (after 10 years?) and she kicked up such a fuss that they gave her the one and only ACTUAL apartment in the place. It has a living room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. She's thrilled AND is paying 50 bucks a month LESS now. Something tells me that she threatened to tell the Code guys MORE interesting stuff they didn't know.

So it's a lot quieter over there now. Less traffic in and out. No recent police action, no recent ambulances. I still wonder HOW the Code Enforcement found out what was what. I tried to turn it in long ago when one of the tenants (who was moving out) told me that he had a tiny room, just big enough for a single bed, with NO WINDOW. Yup. My little friend told me yesterday, that SEVERAL of the rooms were like that. Ohhhhhh!

Waiting to see what happens in the future. This is the same family that brought several defunct motor homes and campters onto a property one city over. They stacked them in tightly front and back and covered it all with tarps so from the air, it wouldn't be seen. Well one night a few years back, they caught on FIRE. 3 people died. The city made them remove all the motorhomes and clear the property. It wasn't even a year until they were all back again. Still are there when you look. Just can't keep up with the crooks. They charge 500-600 a month for these apartments or motorhomes. They ask NO questions and take only cash or welfare checks. Good business. We figure just from the apartments they were making CASH (probably not reported on income tax) of over 10-15k a month. Hope this is only the start of better living conditions.

Terrific Tuesday ya'll

I had a busy morning in the kitchen, and now getting ready for phase 2 book cooking. Then think I'll crash and my body is telling me it wants to sleep.

Good afternoon Boomers.

Afternoon, Space. How's life in Ohio?

Good afternoon all! Errands done, finally. Gloomy damp day out there. I'd rather have it really cold and sunny then this!

Good night, everyone.

It was a nice day here today Looney.

Good night Boomers.