Jay Leno on Pet Scams
A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog
is smarter than you.
Jay Leno
````````````````````````````
Crazy Inventions
Hat with sucker to keep head up
Submarine with a sunroof
Motorbike with air conditioning
Left handed pencil
Water-proof towel
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
Waterproof tea bags
Helicopter ejector seat
Wooden barbecue
Chocolate tea pot
Solar panel torch
Tent with a doorbell and security camera
`````````````````````````
True Story at a Portchester Car ParkPatrick finished his shopping in the supermarket of his home village of Portchester. He ambled slowly in the noonday sunshine into the car park behind the shopping centre to put his bags in the boot of his car.
As he moved towards his car he observed two youths, dressed in red anoraks and wearing red baseball caps, struggling with the lock of a white Nissan Bluebird car. Patrick watched them for a few moments before speaking', You two seem to be having trouble, he said.
'Oh, it's alright', replied one youth brightly, 'the key sometimes gets stuck in the lock.'
'Perhaps you would like to try my key', suggested Pat helpfully.
'Why on earth would we want to do that?' said the other youth in a sarcastic voice.
'Because it's my car', Pat retorted. True story car thief
What Happened NextThe youths ran away and Pat telephoned the police. When Pat described the young men the police immediately knew who they were. Ten minutes later the boys were arrested in the local pub some 150 metres away from where the attempted crime had been committed. They were still wearing their brightly coloured anoraks and hats.
`````````````````````````````````````
In 2008, 53,000 Americans insured themselves against being kidnapped and eaten by aliens.
In 2009, 3,153 Americans were taken to hospital with injuries caused by room deodorizers and air fresheners.
In 2010, 9,174 Americans were taken to hospital with injuries caused by buckets.
````````````````````````````
Britain's Foreign Office Reveals Weird Requests Received
The British consulate offers welcome assistance to travellers who are in trouble abroad, but the Foreign Office is warning there are some things with which it just cannot help write Will and Guy.
Funny and Amazing Questions
We have compiled a list of questions and bizarre appeals for help made to its network of embassies, high commissions and consulates around the world.
In the last six months staff have been asked for a telephone number for Phil Collins.
Another request was from a man stranded at the airport by his dominatrix.
One from a man who rang the consulate in Sydney, Australia to ask what clothes he should pack for his holiday.
In another a Briton in Sofia, Bulgaria, wanted the consulate to sell his house for him.
In Spain - who wanted Prince Charles' shoe size, wanted the information so he could send him shoes as a present.
A man called the consulate in Florida to report that there were ants in his holiday villa and asked for advice on what he should do
A lady complained to the embassy in Moscow about a loud buzzing noise in her apartment
A man asked a consulate in Greece for information on how to go about putting a chicken coop in his garden
A man asked consular staff in Dubai to meet his dog on arrival at customs and help it through the customs process
A caller asked staff in Malaga, Spain in mid-September where she could get a Christmas lunch as everywhere was already booked up
Staff in Greece were asked for tips on the best fishing spots and where to purchase good bait
```````````````````````````````
The very best clean one-liners I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue?' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Well where is he?'
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.Monkey with banana and tin opener
I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
```````````````````````````
Clean One-liners for Stand-up ComediansWe sorted the jokes into three categories, however, what seems hilarious one day only seems drôle the next - humour is like that.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them, 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
The recruitment consultant asked me, 'What do you think of voluntary work?' I said, 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, 'Audi!'
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herbie. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
```````````````````````````
O.K. jokes, but you will need to deliver them well to be a good stand-up comedianBatman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said, 'Don't you mean KAPOW??' He said, 'No, I've got china in my hand.'
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went, 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said, 'You're closest.'
```````````````````````````
Audi everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I hope everyone is ready for a great weekend.
I didn't sleep well the last two or three nights, and today at work I put my back in a 9 line bind.
I hope it doesn't ruin my whole weekend.
Still don't have anyplace new to head hunt, so I'm not sure where I'll go today.
That's my status. I'm sure it'll change with the temperature and wind direction.
I'll have to go dream up a new attitude though.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
It's been years since I've been to an actual movie theater, so this should be fun. 
