SAMUEL BUTLER
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
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Victoria, a middle aged mother, decided that she wasn't going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes when they received presents.
The result of this was that Grampy never received any thank-you letters for the very generous cheques he'd written to the children.
However, the following year, things were different. 'All the Kids came over personally to thank me,' declared Grampy in a triumphant manner.
'That's good,' commented his friend, 'why do you think they decided to change their behaviour?'
'Well, that's easy,' declared Grampy, 'this year I didn't sign the cheques.'
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Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the Botley Grange Country Club.
'We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black,' announced Mrs Hickling.
'Oh dear,' uttered Mrs Packer, 'I'd better not go in that case.'
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My RemembererMy forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who in the world was that?'
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that is not a joke.
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Top Ten Quotes Suitable For A Retirement SpeechWhen some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference. - Virginia Graham
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Milton Berle
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons
Before deciding to take early retirement from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television. - Author Unknown
There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half
The down side about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.- Author Unknown
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff
Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. - Scott Elledge.
One for luck: I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret
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Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment! Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
"191," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn. What is five times five?"
"Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"Twenty five," says Martin.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."
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You Are Probably Retired If....
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
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Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business', declared the first man.
'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'
'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'
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Charlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.
Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Charlie asked softly, 'Will you marry me?'
Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie what his second question was.
He replied, 'Maisie, will you help me get up, please?'
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the new work-half-week.
I start the day at 5am again.
Today (Sunday) was a great day. After having my coffee and doing some laundry, I took the girls to the park in Durant. They had a blast running around and exploring. Especially the little one.
After that I bought groceries and gas, and back to the casa.
It's time to wrap up this day, and get ready to unwrap the next one.
Have a super day everyone.
joe