HARRIET BEECHER STOWE
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
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The Discovery of a New Element - Administratium Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium.
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. A force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons, holds these 312 particles together.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the ' Critical Mess.'
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Here's a story set just after the second world (1939-45) war at Portsmouth dockyard.
One day Ministry of Defence policeman [Mod plod] stopped a worker who was walking out of the dockyard gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The Mod plod opened the package and found it contained nothing but some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings.
The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing of any value.
The same thing happened several days on the trot, until the policeman finally said, 'OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can't tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery; tell me what you are stealing.'
'Wheelbarrows, 'smiled the worker, 'I'm stealing wheelbarrows.'
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At the end of one day old Fred passed the security booth, gave a cheery wave, then fell over in an apoplectic fit. Worried, the security guard rushed over to the stricken man and tried to give him heart massage. Perplexed, the guard could not get anywhere near Fred's heart because ten inner tubes were restricting access.
Fred was stealing the tubes by wearing them around his trunk. A quick and delicate job with his Suisse army knife soon had Fred breathing normally. In no time Fred was on his feet and having a quiet word with the factory manager about inner tubes shortages.
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An old Sailor and an old Fleet Air Arm were sitting in the Duke of Buckingham arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
'I did 30 years in the Corps', the Fleet declared proudly, 'and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. 'As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. 'Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire-fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!'
'Ah', said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, 'lucky Tommy, all shore duty, huh?'
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Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks June.
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping. Husband jokes
A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'
Eddie never knew what hit him.
The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.'
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Big Frank was having his hair styled at the hairdresser's when a lorry smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminium clips, Frank, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt.
The lorry driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Frank lost no time in applying his army acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lorry driver recovered consciousness several times, but kept passing out again.
Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Frank returned to his barber's seat. 'I just don't understand why he kept passing out,' he said to the hairdresser. 'I did everything they taught me.'
'Well, put yourself in the lorry driver's place, 'said the hairdresser. 'He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You'd pass out too'
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A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.
Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.
Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.
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Hey everyboomie.
I wonder if this work week will ever end. One day down,
two to go.
Oh heh! Maybe if I actually did wear a tutu, it would go faster........
....................then again.
I'm sure if it did go faster, it would be because they sent me home early without pay.
Sometimes I hate being so pragmatic.
Any way I'd better not give them a reason to be mad at me. Another long time employee is going part-time now because of me.
He had asked me about it, wanting to know how I requested it, because he had made the request to go part time, and they told him he couldn't do it because they didn't have a part time position open for him.
I said, "Requested it?" I didn't request anything. I told them I was going part time........with 9 months notice.
Well he's in his 70s, and they gave him a part time position out in the garden center.
He won't make it!!! That is a hell hole in our Summer heat and humidity, and very hard work.
I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
She slinks around and is very lethargic. Also, she's lost a lot of weight. The good news is, the vet recommended giving her baby food, and she ate a can and a half. So she's not starving herself like she was when she got sick a couple of years ago. The vet is supposed to call me early tomorrow afternoon with her blood work results, so I'm hoping we'll know what to do to help her get better soon. 
