Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
~ANONYMOUS~
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Can You Believe It?
At Work:
An actual tip from page 21 of the Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: 'Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes'.
At Play:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
On the Road:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with a friend of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'
On Holiday:
I was at London Gatwick airport one Thursday, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' I answered, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'
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Ricky, Tony, and Leroy were out riding their bikes in downtown Chicago when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens.
The three boys spotted an Alsatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine.
Ricky commented, "They use that dog to control sightseers."
"No," said Tony, "he's just for good luck."Witticisms
But Leroy knew better, "No, that's not it," he said. "The dog is there to point the firemen to the nearest fire hydrant!"
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Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength ... None in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all ... hawk, lion and stinker.
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Punography
When chemists die, technicians barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses like his tea. Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me ...
I am reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
Why did Indians get to America first.
They had reservations.
What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that:
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A jump-start cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
'Doc, I can't stop singing' The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' Is it common? 'Well, It's Not Unusual'.
The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field." Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Daisy says to Ermentrude, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' I don't believe you', says Ermentrude.
'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
'Deja Moo': The feeling that You've heard this bull before.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Friday's just a day away.
I'll probably be working Friday though. I couldn't work today. I probably won't go in Thursday. I hope I'm able to on Friday.
Still a lot to do.
Plus it's a drag sitting around here all day and not being able to do anything.
Plus if I don't work, I don't get paid.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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I feel like I'm just swimming through my work days. Unfortunately, I don't get sick days, as I'm not "officially" full time yet. Otherwise, I would take a couple of days off. Well, I just have two more work days to make it through, and then I'll have the weekend.
Have an easy peasy day!
