I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
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"In a thousand years archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment." Olivia Wilde
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The Philgelos or "Laughter-lover" is probably the oldest compilation of jokes in existence; it contains some 265 jokes. It is said that the famous Monty Python Parrot sketch has its origins in a joke told in the Philogelos.
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights.
It appears that shortest war on record was between Zanzibar and Britain in 1896. Zanzibar [now part of Tanzania] surrendered after 38 minutes.
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights and Ark lights
Which English King invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
I'm desperately trying to establish why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Last words from a general in the American Civil War, 'Nonsense.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...............'
Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied, 'In silence.' [From the Philogelos]
What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood. [The Victorians enjoyed jokes like this one]
Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said, 'I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.' - Dated to the *Philogelos 4th Century CE]
One that almost got away:
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives? He liked to chop and change.
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Archaeological Funnies
Archaeologists are fickle. They're always dating other people.
"Anyone who fails to see the evolutionary link between man and ape has never used the restroom at a Walmart." Mia Dambrigo
Most mothers tell their daughters to marry doctors...
I told mine to marry an archaeologist because the older she gets, the more interested he will be in her.
Question: What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a car park...
Answer: "Over my dead body"
Two archaeologists were excavating a tomb in Egypt.
1st Archaeologist: I just found another tomb of a mummified pharaoh!
2nd Archaeologist: Are you serious?
1st Archaeologist: No bones about it!
Q: Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?
A: Because his career was in ruins.
Q: What do you get in a 5-star pyramid?
A: A tomb with a view.
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Keeping the ScoreJulius Caesar is addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. 'Friends, Romans and countrymen. I have returned from my campaign in France where I killed 50,000 Gauls!'
The crowd rises to its feet cheering, 'Hail mighty Caesar!' At this point Brutus jumps up and yells, 'Caesar lies. I've discovered he only killed 25,000!'
Caesar replies, 'Yes, but remember that away Gauls count double in Europe.'
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The archaeologist who accidentally ate one of his tools had an upset stomach, not to mention irregular trowel movements.
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In an American history discussion group, Professor Langer was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. 'For example, he said, 'take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five-feet, one-inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?'
The class fell silent for a moment.
Then Freddie piped up, 'Not very well.'
'Why is that?' asked Professor Langer.
'For one thing,' Freddie added, 'She'd be way too old.'
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Humour in Antiquity
It's easy to imagine that joke books are a modern phenomenon. Not so!
Philogelos, or 'The Laughter Lover', a book of wisecracks, was probably compiled in the fourth or fifth century AD. Written in Greek, it contains around 260 short jokes. Nobody knows who originally put it together or why. A Roman stand-up's aide memoire? Or maybe a Roman Will and Guy?
Roman Jokes from The Laughter LoverSlaves!
A wealthy man buys a slave, who dies shortly afterwards, so he complains to the slave's former owner, "Hey! That slave you sold me. He died."
"Goodness me," he replies. "He never did that when I owned him."
Credibility
A man meets an acquaintance and says, "It's funny. I was told you were dead." The acquaintance replies, "Well, you can see I'm still alive." But the first man argues, "You must be dead because the chap who told me you were dead is much more reliable than you."
Tell Your Fortune?
A man who had just returned from travelling abroad consulted an incompetent astrologer about his family. "How are they?" he asked.
"They're all fine," the astrologer replied, "especially your father.
"But he's been dead for 10 years!" exclaimed the man.
"You obviously don't know who your father is then," retorted the astrologer.
The Perfect Guest
A boffin was invited to a dinner party but wouldn't eat anything.
"Why aren't you eating?" asked a fellow guest.
"I didn't want anyone thinking I'd only come for the food."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I've decided to work Saturday. My back is still very sore, but I can make it ok. I'm going in at 6:00.
It's already past my curfew though.
I haven't been paying attention to the time, for the last 4 days.
I'm really tired of sitting around in this house.
I was hoping to do some head hunting in my four days off, but of course that didn't happen.
Maybe Sunday.
Have a great day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
It's only 18 degrees right now. 
Wishing you all a warm and fun day! 
