A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
Three building contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the security guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, 'Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, 'Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, 'Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, '$2,700.'
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
'Easy,' he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.'
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
'What a great realist that painter is!' he exclaimed.
'The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'.'
'Yes, but something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!'
'That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!'
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Truisms, One-liners and Witticisms
Never try to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never go to Dudley. It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.
Dog owners! Your monstrously large hound is not more afraid of me than I am of it.
The trick is to find the right man in the right pub.
Never pretend you can horse-ride.
People who say, 'I'm beside myself, 'are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.
If you can't believe it's not butter, you're an idiot.
Cats know more than they let on.
Beginning a sentence, 'Now, don't get angry...' will always have the reverse effect.
Nobody has ever read the small print of a mobile-phone insurance contract.
You can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
Too many cooks spoil the TV schedules.
Never ever mix sleeping pills and laxatives.
Nothing productive can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at two in the afternoon.
There's nothing you could wish for in life that you couldn't buy from a man in a pub.
You can live your life through a computer.
Lenny Henry isn't very funny.
Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit... but it's still funny.
```````````````````````````````Surprising Utterances of Famous People
'Churchill? He is a busted flush' .- Lord Beaverbrook in 1932, explaining why he would not give the man a job on his newspaper. Ten years later he was Prime Minister and Beaverbrook was below him in the government.
'My uncle is a peaceful man, he thinks war's not worth the candle' . - Willie Hitler speaking about his uncle Adolf, in 1937.
'Space travel is utter bilge' - Dr. Richard Wooley, Astronomer Royal, 1956. The first sputnik was launched in 1957 by Russia [USSR].
'No woman in my time will be Prime Minister.' - Margaret Thatcher in 1969. She became Prime Minister in 1979.
More Truisms from Famous People
Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.
I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones
Invention is the mother of necessity.
2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Henry J. Tillman
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.
Edgar Watson Howe
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a nuther get up and go to work day for me. They've got me doing 9:00 to 5:00 this week, so I don't have to work freight. They don't want me to hurt my back again, which is still hurting, but much much better.
"Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a living."
My ASM (senior manager) was asking me how I was doing. I made a comment about being in worse condition because I wasn't working as many hours now. She says, I'll hire you back at full time if you want.
It's nice to be missed.........but "no!"
I'm not crazy at all about 9 to 5 schedules though.
I can't really do anything before going in to work, but at least I have time to walk my doggies after I get home.
Actually they walk me. The little one likes to run in circles around me and wrap me up in her leash.
Have a great day everyone.