DIANE FORD
If women were in charge, all men’s underwear would come with an expiration date.
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The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including:
• Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts.
• Don’t leave footprints on the toilet.
• Don’t dry your underwear on lampshades.
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Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
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Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?
Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.
Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause … ]
OK … [huff … puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.
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While going through his
deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket.
The owner goes to the back and then
reappears. “Good news,” he says. “They’ll be ready next Friday.”
Submitted by Ronald Moore,
Charlevoix, Michigan
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Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: “We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget.”
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I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she said. “I already cut it in half.”
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Customer: Pardon me, I’m lost.
Me: What are you looking for?
Customer: I’m looking for Milkjer Boulevard.
Me: I’ve never heard of it. Can I see your directions?
Customer: Sure. See, it’s spelled
M-L-K-J-R Boulevard.
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As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store’s PA system: “If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five.”
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My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman wrote “Horrendous eating habits.”
“What makes you say that?” my friend asked.
The woman replied, “I can’t spell atrocious.”
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“I’ll never find the right guy,” I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh.
“Don’t give up,” urged an older woman. “Every pot has a lid.”
“Or,” a cynical voice behind her offered, “you could just be a skillet.”
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In some quarters, bookstores may be considered dinosaurs, but odd customers are evergreen, as these requests to bookstore clerks prove.
"Can you tell me who the author of Shakespeare is?"
"I’m looking for a book, but I only know the title, not the author. It’s called Dante’s Inferno."
"I definitely don’t want nonfiction. I like autobiographies and history."
"Do you have Shakespeare in English?"
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I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.
"What type of pie is Herman’s?" I asked the waiter.
"Apple," he said.
"Then why is it called Herman’s pie?"
"Because Herman called in to reserve it."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I hope you've all had a great Easter weekend.
My weekend starts today. Not exactly sure what I'll be doing though. With our wind we've been having, and our wild temperature swings, I've just had a full blown sinus infection and a sore throat move in on me.
They came with about a weeks worth of luggage.
I'd give you all three guesses as to what I would rather be doing today.................and the first two don't count.
I'm going to add that to the list of things I hate.
I hate growing old, and I hate being sick.
Being old AND sick is a huge pet peeve. HUGE!
If I don't make it through the night, have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe sorry to hear you are not feeling well.Take care. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing everyone a nice day! 
Have an easy peasy day!
