Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments of life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these.
SUSAN B. ANTHONY
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A woman at my friend’s pet shop pointed to a Labrador puppy. "I want that one," she said. "But I don’t want the floor model."
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A shoe store customer liked a pair of Reeboks but wasn’t completely satisfied. So she stopped an associate and asked, "Does this come in a Nike?"
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A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash.
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The City of Brotherly Lies
Tour guides get bored spewing the same facts everyday. So these Philadelphia guides rewrote history.
"Trees were planted along streets so illiterate people would know the names of the streets. So Pine Street was lined with pines, etc."
"The reason the kitchens were in the basement is because the long, flowing dresses of women would catch fire and they could run directly into the streets, instead of through the house, spreading fire."
"The Lincoln statue in Fairmont Park shows him signing the Declaration of Independence."
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A customer called our rental store to ask about rectangular tables. I told him we had six-foot and eight-foot tables. His response: "What’s the difference?"
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Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it.
"I’m sorry," said Patrick. "That’s impossible. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there."
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After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?" "Neither," she said. "It’s a fish."
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After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.
"A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for—"
The flustered agent interrupted. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples."
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Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand.
"All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"
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My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor’s for an appointment. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. Have a seat." He smiled. "Done."
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A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
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Think it’s easy being a tour guide? VisitBritain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions.
"Is Wales closed during the winter?"
"Why did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"
"Who feeds the Loch Ness monster?"
"Are there any Sheena Easton museums in Glasgow?"
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At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair."
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
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It was a busy lunch hour, made longer by one of my customers who couldn’t make up his mind about what to order. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have?"
Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: "How about a picnic?"
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I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Here's your Humpy diner.
I'm still feeling as rough as a corn cob in an outhouse.
I hope you all have a super day.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Haroula and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. Happy Day wished for you all! 
looney
