The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.
MARCEL PAGNOL
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The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
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A few months ago, Hamas
“arrested” a dolphin for being an
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason
magazine came up with titles for
the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
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Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
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My mother was rushed to the
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
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Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots
of Love. I have to call everyone back.
~
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
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The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
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Jimmy Fallon Asked For Embarrassing Texts From Moms…
I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
@StefenColalillo
On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
abbreviate, Mom.
@HollyLouHarris
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
@stefaniLegs
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“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d
gotten as a present.
“That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?”
Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.”
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In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. “Can’t find Brillo pads,” she wrote. “All they have are Tampax and Kotex.”
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My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.”
“That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know where to look, it’s time to go home.”
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Mom's Movie Reviews
Renting a film? Check My Mom’s Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano’s mother gives her opinions.
Burlesque
Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I’m in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I’ll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."
The Town
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn’t understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I’ve ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.
Shutter Island
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio’s hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it’s there. Maybe he had a pimple.
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I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”
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Good morning Boomers!
It's day off #2. I'm calling them Wensdoff, Thursdoff, and Friedoff.
Good thing there's not a day of the week named after pee.
I had a busy off day. I took the girls to two different parks this morning to play, and as always, I had to chase down Missy when it was time to go, because she did not want to go home.
After that I came back home to start my Spring cleaning. Now, you would think that the very act of taking a shower would be enough to keep your bath tub clean right? I mean you're in there slinging water and soap around for crying out loud. So here I am only a few months past my last cleaning job, I'm sure you all remember me talking about getting the old decontamination suit on, and it's like I need a jack hammer to get through the scummy buildup on my tub.
Why can't they just make bath tubs out of Teflon??
From now on I'm not letting that time span between cleaning go for longer than 2 months.
I also had my washer and dryer going no-stop all day long. Well most of the day anyway. Well.....for half a day for sure.
Well for a couple of hours without a doubt.
Tomorrow it's Spring cleaning phase 2........I mean phase II.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Thank you for all the warm wishes and prayers for my brother.
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witter
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Prayers continue going up for continued healing for your brother! Enjoy your Thump Day!
Have an easy peasy day!
