HENRY ADAMS
No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
````````````````````
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
`````````````````
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.
• My pet goldfish died.
—Self-employed builder
• Our business doesn’t really do anything. —Financial services firm
• I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns. —Accountant
`````````````````````
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.
“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”
```````````````````````
My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”
Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”
```````````````````````
No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.
"With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we’re a little strapped."
"I’m getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You’ll have to wait a few more days."
"We’re a little short right now. But don’t worry—we’re getting a refund on my wife’s tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we’re getting back most of the bucks!"
"I didn’t pay the rent because I’m saving up to move."
"It’s your fault the check bounced. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"
``````````````````````````````
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
``````````````````````````````
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
`````````````````````````````
To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.
```````````````````````
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Fifteen dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"
````````````````````````
A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn’t have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors.
Mocha Dinero
Cost-a-latte
Brokefest Blend
Excesso
Ka-Ching-accino
Goldbean Sachs
Café au Laitaway
```````````````````````
During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What’s the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."
``````````````````````
From our local TV news station, this undeniably true travel suggestion: "Next up, ten money-saving tips for your trip to Hawaii. Don’t go away!"
``````````````````````
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.
"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I’ve bought cars for $500!"
"That’s why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don’t have to drive $500 cars."
````````````````````````
If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
That is so true. When customers ask me to give them a better price on something, I tell them it doesn't say Joe's on the building, it says Lowe's. Sorry.
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm starting four days off, and I am really praying for rain. Unless we have some serious rain, I have no where to go head hunt. The creek is low and everything is covered with silt. We need a flash flood.
Our best chance is Monday. We have a 80% chance of rain then, but how much it might rain is anybody's guess........especially the weatherman's.
We'll see.
In the mean time, I didn't do any of the Spring cleaning phase III chores that I had planned on doing Friday.
Well what did you expect from a world class procrastinator?
I was going to put it off until next Spring, but I'm waiting untill next Spring to do that.
I meant to get some paint at the store today to repaint a table and antique it, but I plumb forgot to get that.
I have to go to Walmart for plums tomorrow. Maybe I'll remember it then.
Have a happy day everyone.
May the day's end find you all pecunious.
joe
acebook
witter
I'm off to work in a few. Have a wonderful Sunday everyone.
thanks for the laughs!!! Hope you get the rain you need. Have a lovely day!
One of the dogs had grabbed a corner of tp and very gently brought it around several corners out of the bathroom through the bedroom out of the bedroom and all the way to the stairs. There it was dropped. Not quite an entire roll, but close 
