NORMAN K.
In Japan, the highest-paid executive earns only fifteen times what the average worker does. Here, CEOs earn five hundred times more, but that’s supposed to motivate the American worker. To do what, kidnap his boss?
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I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I’d requested because my income wasn’t substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.
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My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.
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With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
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To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off. "How do I stop?" he yelled. "Bet on it!" I hollered back.
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If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.
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A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.
"Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."
"That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"
"Their landlord."
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Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."
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A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It’s now the drunk’s turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out you little mooch!"
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When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before I could speak, another customer replied, "Patience."
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During a visit to our friend’s home in Canada, we were feted with a wonderful breakfast. But my six-year-old daughter was not impressed.
"Your pancakes are smaller than my mom’s," she told him.
He replied, "That’s because of the exchange rate."
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We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I’ll have the 24."
"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that’s the price, not the meal number."
"Oh," he said. "Then give me the 12."
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Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That’s nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."
"Actually," says the tour guide, "it’s named for Joshua Hemingway."
"Was he a writer?" the student asks.
"Yes. He wrote a big check."
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After cashing a check at the bank, the woman in front of me stood staring at her money. "Did I give you enough back?" asked the teller. "Yes," she said. "But barely."
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Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll put it in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn’t put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin’ you! So hand over your money!
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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No Mac Adamia
Oh, you're a nut
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Freelance newspaper writers don’t get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.
"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."
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On a billboard ad for a safe company:"If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our vault."
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My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister of a small, struggling church came in with a legal problem.
After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband’s fees, he left the office with a prudent: "Thank you, sir, but I believe I’ll just pray this one through."
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Dear IRS: I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest.
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I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.
It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
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Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I’ll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn’t know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank. Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me.
"We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you’d get here sooner or later."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Lets see now, what day is this one? Eenie-meenie-miny-Monday. Ok now I dismember.
I normally use songs to remind me what day it is.
For instance, no matter what my weekend was like come Monday it'll be alright.
Then again Monday I have Friday on my mind, because rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
I think they should change to a three day week, and call them Yesterday, Tomorrow, and Someday.
That way we would have a longer year, because instead of 52 weeks, there would be 111 weeks in the year.
Actually that could cause some serious scheduling confusion.
Never mind.
Have a happy day y'all.
joe
acebook
witter
Have an easy peasy day!
looney.