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Monday Morning #1063389
04/17/16 09:45 PM
04/17/16 09:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

ROGER MILLER

``````````````````````````

Seen on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: The Dannemora fire department reminds you it’s fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan.”

``````````````````````````````

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.”

“Oh, yeah?” Let’s see it.” The cop looked at the license and then concluded, “Ma’am, there’s nothing special about this. It’s just a temporary license.”

“Look at the very bottom, though,” the woman insisted. “See? It says ‘Tear along the dotted line.'”

``````````````````````````````

Red Light

I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.

“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”

```````````````````````````

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

````````````````

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.

“Don’t you want to sit on the 
bunny’s lap?” I asked.

“No!” he shouted. “There’s 
a man in his mouth!”

````````````````````````````````

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.”

``````````````````````````````

While hosting a garage sale, 
I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”

``````````````````````````````

As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”

She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”

````````````````````````````````

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”

```````````````````````

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:

• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

• Had a new guy conduct a 
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

• Ordered a private to bring back 
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

````````````````````````````````

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”

```````````````````````````````

An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered it. The giveaway? 
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.

``````````````````````````````

I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything 
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”

He eventually took another job 
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted 
me, hoping to return to his old job.

“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.

“Yes, I should have stayed here,” 
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”

```````````````````````

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ.

“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, 
so she gave her students a hint: 
“It starts with the letter R.”

One boy blurted, “Recycle!”

``````````````````````````````

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”

`````````````````````````````

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

``````````````````````````````````

My 90-year-old dad was giving 
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”

``````````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I had my quote, and all these jokes copied and pasted, and was ready to make some comments, then my bird Pepper who was in the kitchen on the counter, got spooked and came flying into the living room and landed on the floor in front of my opened door. scared


Now I panicked and jumped up from the couch, trying to put my computer down on the coffee table, but I use a mouse because the left mouse button doesn't work right on the laptop, and it fell to the floor, and my foot kept getting caught on it. taz


Well I picked up my bird and then sat back down and picked up my laptop to continue, and I see that I'm no longer on line. hardwall


Can you say, "Start over dummy?" slapforehead


Ok....So.....I did feel the rain all day AND, I got wet too. joy2


Water water everywhere, and still more on the way tonight. hamster


I'm not sure how much we got so far, but the one creek that I cross when driving to and from work was way above flood stage. joy


Now I just have to wait until Tuesday, and hope that things have quieted down weather-wise by then.


Santa Clause is coming to town. yay


Have a happy day everyone.


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063397
04/17/16 11:00 PM
04/17/16 11:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Have a great Monday Joe and everyone. wave

A co-worker is on vacation, so since I'll be covering his stores, I'll actually have a lot of hours this week. thumbsup It's just temporary, but at least it's something. smile

Hope everyone has a terrific day. spring


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063399
04/17/16 11:19 PM
04/17/16 11:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
I know my relatives in Texas are floating away and as I am typing this they are showing the flooding in OK. If you listen outside, you can probably hear all the arrowheads getting washed up to the surface. lol

Have a great day all! I'm tired of being sick. 3 days of no voice at all, I'm hoping today won't make 4.

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Morning [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1063409
04/18/16 01:58 AM
04/18/16 01:58 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Have a great day Boomers. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063415
04/18/16 04:44 AM
04/18/16 04:44 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning,have a nice day all. wavegirl
Ana hearts


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063416
04/18/16 04:45 AM
04/18/16 04:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
spring Good Morning Joe, venus, Ana, SpaceQ and everyone. Joe I hope the rain stops! Venus have a good day. Ana hope you feel better. SpaceQ enjoy your day. Coffee and tea are ready. Have a wonderful day everyone! spring

Good morning Haroula! wave


Gerry
Re: Monday Morning [Re: Kaki's Sister] #1063432
04/18/16 07:15 AM
04/18/16 07:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,243
Delaware, USA
SharonB Offline
Addicted Boomer
SharonB  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,243
Delaware, USA
Good morning all. Beautiful day outside. Potentially going to 77 degrees I feel pretty good today so I am counting my blessings. Hope you get better soon, Ana. Good luck with the job, Venus. It's a good thing you didn't twist your ankle, Joe. Good morning Space Quest and Haroula. Hoping you all have a great day. Good morning, Kaki's Sister. Breakfast sounds great.

SharonB catrub

Last edited by SharonB; 04/18/16 07:16 AM.
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063433
04/18/16 07:22 AM
04/18/16 07:22 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Ana Hugs, I hope your voice is back today. Have a Great Monday everyone. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. spring


Connie
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063436
04/18/16 08:19 AM
04/18/16 08:19 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers puppy

Joe, Aww, sounds like you had one of those days! hope the rain lets up. Hugs!

Ana, wishing you well soon.

Venus, enjoy your extra work hours.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Space, good day to you!

Gerry, have a nice day. Thanks for the coffee.

Connie, Danish sounds good. Thanks.

Sharon, wishing you a great day!

Hope the day is peaceful and happy for everybody. wavegirl


Gail
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063467
04/18/16 11:34 AM
04/18/16 11:34 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Good morning everybody!!!! Busy day here so just stopped by to wish you all a wonderfully lovely day!!!!!

wave
Nan

Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063495
04/18/16 03:30 PM
04/18/16 03:30 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

It's gorgeous in AL. Wish it would stay like this all time, minus the neighbors who think if the sun is shining, they need to be burning.

Doggies and I had a nice walk at the park. Busy morning, but finally I am to "computer time."

Ana, I hope the day finds you better. Hugs!

wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Morning [Re: looney4labs] #1063514
04/18/16 05:07 PM
04/18/16 05:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
It is beautiful here today too looney. smile


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063523
04/18/16 05:44 PM
04/18/16 05:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Did you have a good day of work, Space?


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063530
04/18/16 07:35 PM
04/18/16 07:35 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
Moanday Monday everybody laugh

I hope everyone's day was productive and that you have a wonderful evening!

I'm off to Garden and listen to my whale music...life if good!

wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Monday Morning [Re: looney4labs] #1063544
04/18/16 09:17 PM
04/18/16 09:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
It was a good day looney. smile

Good night Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1063548
04/18/16 09:37 PM
04/18/16 09:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Bed time has arrived. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
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