My father always said, “Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.” So on our first date I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.
KRIS MCGAHA
````````````````````````
1. Layered Government
Our government always struck me as having many layers. But I no longer think that, not after this e-mail from an associate in another country: "I demonstrated the product to the Minister of Defiance and his Chief of Stuff."
2. Time to Go
The huge backlog in the doctor’s waiting room was taking its toll. Patients were glancing at their watches and getting restless. Finally one man walked to the receptionist’s station and tapped on the glass. She slid back the window back, saying, "Sir, you’ll have to wait your turn."
"I just had a question," he said dryly, "Is George W. Bush still President?"
3. Unlikely Meeting
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."
4. Mouse Trap
My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he couldn’t see over the panels to find his way out, so he waited until he saw someone else leaving and followed him. He did the same the next day. On the third day he had to work late, long after his colleagues had left. He wandered around lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors, but then, just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle.
"How do you get out of here?" Jim asked.
The fellow looked up from his desk, smiled and said, "No cheese for you."
5. New Viruses
Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it’s an "electronic microorganism." Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
6. New Federal Employee
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming Soon!"
7. Sunscreen Mishap
My father, a Navy man, had the good fortune to be stationed in Hawaii — but the bad fortune to have fair skin. One day, after spending many hours under the hot sun, he reported back to duty with a terrible sunburn. Expecting sympathy, he was, instead, reprimanded by his superiors and then written up for "destruction of government property."
``````````````````````````````
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
````````````````````
A few months ago, Hamas
“arrested” a dolphin for being an
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason
magazine came up with titles for
the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
`````````````````````````
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
`````````````````````````
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
`````````````````````````````
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
``````````````````````````````
While hosting a garage sale,
I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
```````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well I'm on my way to bed again. Thank you Ana, I went to sleep pretty easy last night. Then was up at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep until 3:00. My only problem with that was my alarm going off at 3:30.
That had a lot to do with a certain little puppy.
Feeling a little ragged out at work this morning, and work has been a mad house too. I was over 30 minutes yesterday, and 45 minutes over today. Just couldn't get away. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
Two more days in my work week.
If I survive.
Have a happy day everyone, and think about me as you do.
joe
acebook
witter
