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Monday Morning #1065095
05/01/16 11:09 PM
05/01/16 11:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

LARRY LORENZONI

`````````````````````

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

```````````````````````

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That’s up to you," I replied. "There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

``````````````````````````````

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. "That’s a long time," I observed.

"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me."

"What’s that?"

"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I’d be out of jail by now."

````````````````````````````

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

```````````````````````````

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

```````````````````

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”

```````````````````````````

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"

"One," she retorted.

```````````````````````````

In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In unison they proclaimed the couple husband and wife.

Afterward, a man was overheard congratulating the father of the bride. “Fifty years ago this could not have happened.”

“No,” replied the father. “Religion has come a long way.”

“Religion! Who’s talking about religion? I mean a cattleman’s daughter marrying a sheepman’s son.”

```````````````````````

Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancée home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected. "She’s not the type to say no."

"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."

``````````````````

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."

`````````````````````

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied. "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I’m requesting."

```````````````````````````

I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband.

One day I told him, "I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!"

He replied, "I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who’s pregnant!"

`````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Man am I feeling old tonight! I went to an antique store today, and three people tried to buy me. snicker


When I tried to leave, the owner had me arrested for theft. shocked


Actually I had a real nice day, and my night is looking favorable too. thumbsup


Really I had a great day. woot


I enjoyed breathing so much today I'm going to try and do it again tomorrow. yay


If for any reason I'm not successful at that, then I'm sure I'll brighten some mortician's day. hamster


Y'all have a happy day today. thumbsup



joe

Last edited by gymcandy1; 05/01/16 11:11 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1065096
05/01/16 11:18 PM
05/01/16 11:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Breathe in...breathe out Joe. All night and all day please and thank you. hearts Glad to hear you had a great day, I hope you have another one of them again tomorrow.

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1065106
05/02/16 04:36 AM
05/02/16 04:36 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
spring Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Coffee and tea are ready. Enjoy your day! spring


Gerry
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1065121
05/02/16 07:33 AM
05/02/16 07:33 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers puppy

Joe, keep singing "Staying Alive" in the back of you mind. It really does help.

Ana, wishing you a wonderful day!

Gerry, I'm ready for coffee. Thank you.

Connie, see you when you get here.
Wishing everyone on their way a great day!

Got a few errands to run then a nice quiet day today. catrub


Gail
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1065159
05/02/16 12:04 PM
05/02/16 12:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Joe...inhale.....exhale...etc!! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Ana hope you had success with the video! Have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Gail have fun with the errands and have a lovely day!

Have a lovely day everybody!!

wave
Nan

Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1065161
05/02/16 12:20 PM
05/02/16 12:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
We have blue skies and sunshine! Forgot what it looked like! Took the dogs for a walk first time in a week and they were thankful! Maybe they will leave me alone a bit now. lol

Nan, it's a very frustrating process. I got part done though, much more to go! How's the weather by you? Warming up? we have been much below the norm.

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday Morning [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1065166
05/02/16 03:24 PM
05/02/16 03:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Morning [Re: Space Quest Fan] #1065192
05/02/16 09:51 PM
05/02/16 09:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
See you all tomorrow Boomers. sleep


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Monday Morning [Re: gymcandy1] #1065196
05/02/16 10:25 PM
05/02/16 10:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Sweet dreams SpaceQ!

Good night all!


Don't feed the Trolls
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