The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
ANONYMOUS
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Strange Things You Won’t Believe the Government Spends Your Money On
In 2013 Arlington County, Virginia, received federal funding to build a luxury “SuperStop” bus stop complete with Wi-Fi, heated benches and sidewalks, and “a wall made of etched glass that opens the rear vista to newly planted landscaping.” Too bad the slanted glass roof doesn’t do much to keep out rain and snow, or provide shade in the summertime. Cost to taxpayers: $1 million
State Department officials wanted to increase traffic on the agency’s various Facebook pages and Twitter accounts, so they spent lavishly on in-site advertising. What did they get in return? Not much. Less that 2 percent of visitors to their pages”liked” or “favorited” any of their posts or tweets. Cost to taxpayers: $630,000
In 2010 the National Endowment of the Humanities funded the Popular Romance Project, establishing a website to “explore the fascinating, often contradictory origins and influences of popular romance as told in novels, films, comics, advice books, songs, and Internet fanfiction.” Topics on the website include “The Romance of British Secret Service Agent James Bond” and “Team Edward or Team Jacob?” Cost to taxpayers: $914,000
Several executives from various independent music labels received a government-funded, all-expenses-paid trip to Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo in 2013. Reason: “to compare the record stores, club districts, and facial expressions of locals at the mention of their bands.” While the execs reportedly enjoyed their trip, one of them said he “didn’t ink any deals.” Cost to taxpayers: $284,300
A federal grant was used to install solar panels on the parking garage at the Manchester-Boston airport. One problem: The reflective panels were blinding the pilots, so 25 percent of them had to be removed (the panels, not the pilots). But the remaining panels, say airport officials, will generate “$2 million in savings over 25 years.” Cost to taxpayers: $3.5 million
The residence of the U.S. ambassador to NATO in Brussels, Belgium, is lavishly decorated with “960 violets, 960 tulips, 960 begonias, 72 Japanese evergreen shrubs, 504 ivy geraniums, 168 hybrid heath evergreen shrubs, 204 American wintergreens, and 60 English ivy shrubs.” Cost to taxpayers: $704,000
A study conducted by the National Institutes of Health observed 82 married couples to determine what factors make them happy. The conclusion? “The marriages that were the happiest were the ones in which the wives were able to calm down quickly during marital conflicts.” Cost to taxpayers: $325,525
The sole purpose of the FBI’s “Investigative Publicity and Public Affairs Unit” is to answer any questions that writers and filmmakers might have to ensure that any film, TV, or book that features the FBI will get the details right. Annual cost to taxpayers: $1.5 million
The State Department uses taxpayer money to pay for hand-blown crystal wine glasses for U.S. embassies around the world. This is no ordinary glassware—it must be purchased only from high-end retailers, and each glass “has to make a sharp high-pitched resonant sound when tapped with a metal object, such as a fork or spoon.” Cost to taxpayers: $5 million
In 2005 biologists at Yale University were awarded a research grant to study the reproductive anatomy of the duck. Specifically, the researchers studied the unique corkscrew-like shape of the male duck’s genitalia. After the study was showcased in Coburn’s Wastebook and lambasted by cable news pundits, lead researcher Patricia Brennan defended her work. “This is basic science,” she said. “The headlines reflect outrage that the study was about duck genitals, as if there is something inherently wrong or perverse with this line of research. Imagine if medical research drew the line at the belt! Genitalia, dear readers, are where the rubber meets the road, evolutionarily.” Cost to taxpayers: $384,989
Not sure whether to laugh or cry.
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Survive Basically Anything:
20 7 Fixes for Life-Threatening Problems and Daily Hassles
Stay calm. Gather your wits. We’re going to get through this together. Here, our experts’ guide for navigating life’s scariest perils and everyday frustrations.
By Brandon Specktor
2. How to Survive a Layoff
The best thing you can do with your time (besides look for a new job, of course): Play ball! According to a
happiness study from the University of
Alberta, participating in physical activity increases life satisfaction three times as much as being unemployed reduces it.
6. How to Survive an Awkward Conversation
Somehow you’re sitting next to the only person at the party you’ve never met, and the mood is definitely uneasy. How do you draw him out?
Open with a compliment. The other person will feel a wave of positive feelings, and you will be more likely to remember him or her later as the person with the “nice hat.” Win-win.
Listen like a hostage negotiator. The motto of NYPD’s Hostage Negotiation Team is “Talk to Me”—that’s because team members are taught to spend
80 percent of their time listening and only 20 percent speaking. Draw your
subject out by talking about what he or she wants to talk about, nodding, and asking follow-up questions along the way. The more you make your subject feel understood, the more he or she will enjoy the conversation.
Have an escape plan. The phrases “I won’t keep you” and “Give my regards to [mutual acquaintance]” are your allies. When the conversation reaches a dead end, employ them. Try these tips to make small talk from expert minglers.
7. How to Survive a National Epidemic (Zombie Apocalypse Included)
Aping the popularity of TV’s zombie drama The Walking Dead, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released an educational comic book about zombie preparedness. Doubling as a legitimate guide to surviving a pandemic, the comic offers these to-die-for tips:
Hunker down. Seriously, lock your doors and stay home unless absolutely necessary or instructed otherwise.
Watch your squad. When the virus hits, be ready to use your braaaaaiiiiins.If someone you’re with is showing signs of infection, quarantine the person.
n Tune in. Should you stay where you are or bug out for a government-set safe zone? Keep a battery- or crank-powered radio nearby for safety updates in the event of a power outage.
Don’t be a hero. Lower the crossbow TV zombie fighters favor; the infected are still your neighbors. Take every precaution not to kill one another while the government works on distributing a vaccine and treating patients.
8. How to Survive an Earworm
It takes only one passing toddler to get “It’s a Small World (After All)” stuck
in your head and a whole teeth-gnashing day to get it out. There is a better way
to cure what scientists call involuntary musical imagery (aka, the common
earworm). In fact, there are two ways:
Option one: Embrace it. Listen to the song all the way through, at full volume, ideally singing along. The idea is that by confronting your brain with the full
version, your earworm will end when the song does.
Option two: Replace it. Play a different song all the way through, at full volume, in an attempt to chase away your earworm with something more forgettable.
In one U.K. study, the most popular “cure” song was the national anthem, “God Save the Queen.” On this side of the pond, try humming “The Star-Spangled
Banner” to clear your head before twilight’s last gleaming.
9. How to Survive Election Season
As November grows ever closer, it has never seemed farther away. Here are three home remedies for preventing campaign exasperation.
Flee the TV: Psychologists have found that people who don’t watch TV are more accurate judges of
everyday risks and rewards than those who follow fearmongering news programs and that even thinking about politics can slash your overall happiness. Their advice: Try a news fast for one week and see how little you miss.
Flee your feed: The Google Chrome Web browser offers free extensions that will remove all mentions of the election from your social media feed (others replace candidates’ names with the poop emoji). And remember: There’s no shame in hiding a friend’s or a family member’s annoying Facebook posts; neither will ever find out about it, and it’s easier than starting a digital shouting match.
Flee your blathering buddies: And walk the dog instead. It can’t talk politics and is proved to release happiness-inducing oxytocin. Bow wow!
11. How to Survive the World’s Slowest Line
Anytime you have more than two lines to choose from, odds are you will not pick the fastest line. What to do? Plan ahead.
At the grocery store: Favor stores that use a “serpentine line”—that is, a single long line that flows into multiple cash registers (e.g., the line at your local bank). Many Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods stores use this system, proved to be at least three times faster.
At airport security: Wait times tend to double every Friday afternoon from four to eight, but if you are a frequent traveler who cannot avoid rush hour, consider investing $100 in Global Entry. This U.S. Customs and Border Protection service makes you eligible for the TSA PreCheck line and allows you to skip the customs desk during international travel. Visit cbp
.gov to apply.
On hold: Sick of hearing “For English, stay on the line”? Visit gethuman
.com, a crowdsourced
database that tells you the quickest way to beat the phone tree for more than 10,000 companies.
At the DMV: Start online, where most states allow you to take care of basic services remotely or at least schedule an appointment. Avoid visits at the end of the month, when most driver’s licenses expire, and go before noon in the middle of the week.
At Disneyland: Arrive at least
30 minutes before the park opens, and start with the most popular rides;
every minute you show up after the doors open becomes two extra minutes in line.
12. How to Survive a Speeding Ticket
America’s boys in blue took to social media site Reddit to share their tricks for avoiding hefty speeding fines. Here’s how to tip the scales in your favor:
Do: Keep your hands on the wheel. According to one cop, “This shows care and concern for the officer’s safety—and trust me, we really appreciate that.” Here’s what your police officer is really thinking.
Don’t say: “I’m sorry I was speeding.” If you admit guilt, the officer is supposed to write you a ticket (and in some states, he or she legally has to).
Do say: “Is it possible you could just give me a warning?” In many cases, warnings count toward a department’s ticket quota.
Definitely don’t say: “Do you know who I am?!”/“My taxes pay your salary!”/ “Don’t you have anything better to do?!” Officers agree: Not being a jerk is the minimum requirement to getting out of a ticket.
14. How to Survive a Wild Roller Coaster
Rocketing riders straight up a 456-foot tower at 128 mph before plunging them down the other side, Kingda Ka at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey, is the tallest and second-fastest roller coaster in the world. As you can see from the front row, it’s no joke. But neither are you.
Ask yourself: Am I healthy enough to be an astronaut? Alternating between moments of weightlessness and gravitational forces reaching about four times those of Earth’s atmosphere, many coasters put your body through a mini space camp. Your organs will temporarily float inside you, and your heart rate may soar above 200 beats per minute. Read the ride’s safety warnings carefully.
Sit smart. The front seat of any coaster gets the freakiest view, while the back feels the greatest force. Wimps: Snag a middle seat.
Don’t lose your lunch. Never eat a big meal before a big drop, warns John Cooper, a professional ride tester who braves up to 100 theme park thrills a day at the U.K.’s Drayton Manor.
Eat light, wait 90 minutes between chow and coaster, and face forward throughout the ride to avoid the spins.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Now that I've got you all prepped to go out and face the day with confidence, I can sleep a bit more peacefully tonight.
I have really been enjoying our cooler weather here for the last week. I swear I almost turned my heater on today before my shower.
It wasn't that cold.
We may have one more cool day to go. That would be today. Oops no we won't! Just checked and we're going all the way up to 79 degrees.
That may be cool by the established standards here in Southeastern Hell, but not by my standards.
My standards are much lower......much like my expectations.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe