Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
ROBERT BLOCH
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Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."
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Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.
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Because it was my brother’s birthday, our mom wanted to do something special. She called his fraternity house and said she wanted to bring a cake. The young man who took the call was very excited. "Hey, Mrs. Schaeffer," he said, "that would be great!"
The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said ‘keg.’ "
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As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I’ve noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, “Who are you going out with this weekend?”
In my 20s, relatives would say, “Who are you dating?”
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, “So, are you dating anyone?”
Now people ask, “Where did you get that adorable purse?”
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I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
—Reid Faylor
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My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me
everything you know.”
@NicCageMatch
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I bet cats have
a secret website where they
upload clips of cute humans
trying to open DVD packaging
and jump-start
cars.
@rolldiggity
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The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In
the ’60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could
spy on unsuspecting targets. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of
dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab.
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A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
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If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
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They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.
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Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes.
— Russell Brand
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When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
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A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
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Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”
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Good morning everyboomie.
It has been a rough day here. My back went out on me.
I think it went South. I found booking confirmations for a flight to Australia.....................one way.
With that said, I'm booking a one way trip to the bedroom.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I hope you feel better when you awaken. Have you ever tried a chiropractor? They are awesome.
Good Morning Joe, Ana, and all. Joe hope the back feels better. Ana how high is the ferris wheel? I find them scary! Coffee and tea are ready. Enjoy the day everyone! 
: 
Have an easy peasy day!
