The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
AL MCGUIRE
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Renting and Dorm and Apartment Living
These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by English language students.My landlord gave me a one year contraction.
It will be over soon.
The rent fee is only $300 per month.
That includes having gas and hitting.
Me and my brother share
a small womb in the basement.
We live on the sex floor.
Our apartment is small but we have a nice view.
I really need to have my plumber fixed.
I was very tired last night
so my friend let me crash into his apartment.
My friend and I live together in a bachelor’s suit.
We have a big problem at my house.
What is it?
Our toilet is out of odor. I’m a little upset.
I don’t care if me or my roomate mails the check. But I don’t want it to slip through our cracks.
How many people live in your building?
I don’t know for sure but I have wild gas.
How many floors does your apartment building have?
I guess one in every room.
I cannot sleep these days. I am too miserable.
Why?
My hair conditioner doesn’t work.
Do you have a shower in your your bathroom?
Only in the summer when it is hot.
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When my three-year-old was told
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
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The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
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My high school assignment
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served
in the Philippines during the war,
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
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My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she
remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”
“It must be true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
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My colleague has been living
in this country only a few months,
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”
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Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At
“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”
“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”
“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”
Source: Overheard in the ER
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My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”
The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”
John Richman, Webster, New York
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well here I sit, all weak and weary.
Came to post, and.........did I say I'm weary?
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.
Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.
Some days you're the life of the party, & some days you're the deer in the headlights.
I found I really can't hold my liquer.
I bought some beer at Walmart today.
I think I drank one too many.
Tomorrow I'm going try and increase my tolerance, and drink two of them.
What do you guys drink for breakfast?
Ok....I gotta go now, my dogs are barking.
I'm talking bout my feet. I started breaking in a new pair of shoes today.
It was ruff.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
The beer clearly doesn't affect your wittiness! You should be a stand up comic, you'd be perfect! 
Good Morning Joe and Ana. Have to have my coffee for breakfast Joe. Ana enjoy your day. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a wonderful Saturday. 
I stayed up really late last night finishing Dreamfall Chapters. What an amazing finish. 
I can now saw for certain that this game is up there with the original TLJ for me, which is the highest compliment I can give it.
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Saturdiner is super duper!
Have an easy peasy day!
Thanks for the laughs Joe!!! Enjoy your day off and have a lovely day!
I'm sure the winner has finished by now though. Have a lovely day!
