I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
CHARLES LAMB
``````````````````````````````
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
```````````````````````````````
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are
comments purportedly made by
patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
``````````````````````````
What's Your Definition of "Woman"?
Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
``````````````````````````````
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests,
and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into
the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
```````````````````````````
While taking stock of our
products, I read aloud the final
numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after
I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his
desk phone’s keypad.
David Marland, on quora.com
`````````````````````````
While on maneuvers in the
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
Jesse Joe Wingo, Gaylord, Michigan
```````````````````````````
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and
I was right, because suddenly, he
fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!”
John DiFeliciantonio,
Ventnor City, New Jersey
``````````````````````````
After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and
let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we
took our seats, I handed programs
to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.”
From gcfl.net
```````````````
When I bought beer at the
grocery store, the clerk asked for
my birthdate.
I said, “10-3-60.”
Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?”
````````````````````````````````
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.
“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”
Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon
```````````````````````
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”
Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi
``````````````````````````
My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.
“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”
“The one that has no roast beef.”
Gary Neal, Clearwater, Florida
````````````````
Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone.
Me: Siri, call my wife.
Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.
Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.
Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.
Me: Call my wife.
Siri: Which wife?
Taylor Gibbs, Visalia, California
`````````````````````````
My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
Craig Ray, Johns Creek, Georgia
``````````````````````````````````
“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student.
She explained that she’d fallen
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she Googled “Western universities.”
And that’s how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University.
Bill Spencer, Cullowhee, North Carolina
```````````````````````````
The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and
go straight to the signature:
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.”
Source: someecards.com
``````````````````````````````
Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.
Coworker #2: What’s that?
Coworker #1: Vitamin D.
Coworker #2: Why do you take that?
Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.
Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?
Sally Churley, Cortland, Ohio
```````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's July 1st, and that means that Monday is Independence Day.
Thank God! I'm tired of all those tentacled aliens bossing me around.
After being off the last 4 days, I have 3 straight work days, which means I'll be off Monday to wave bye bye to the aliens.
More good news. Since I do not work Tuesday, or Wednesday, it means that the neighbor kids across the street will not be keeping me from getting any sleep, by popping fireworks the day AFTER the 4th.
Woot indeed.
How many days of Summer are there left??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Darn! My alien's too big.
acebook
witter
