Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Steve Jobs
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Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
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The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
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Dad’s Brilliant Business Plan
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do
Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make
a Facebook profile. He means to
remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
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After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need
to get back to work now; you have
a has-been to support.”
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These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on
a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to
a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
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My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as
I answer the phone “Hello?”
@SethMacFarlane
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down
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The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
@PaulyPeligroso
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If you think
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
@jakeandamir
(Amir Blumenfeld)
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The Taste of Wicker
Triscuit is the perfect
combination of cracker and doormat.
@1CarParade
(Jason Gelles)
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Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up
oatmeal cookies before noon?”
@JulieKlausner
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I’m driving with this guy, and
he runs right through a Stop sign. So
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”
He says, “My brother might be coming.”
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My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
Maria Bamford
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Letter to a Bad Neighbor
Dear Charlie,
We’ve been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.
Cordially, Harry
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Call The WAHmbulance
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.
@bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)
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Good morning everyboomie.
I hope that's enough jokes. I've been trying to copy, paste, copy, paste for an hour, but I'm trying to pay close attention to my movie, Erin Brockovich, and her boobs, and this copy & paste thing is making it difficult.
I figured out that watching a movie like this is equivalent to me walking 5 miles on my treadmill.
Heck, if I move up to some R rated movies, I'll be in tip top shape in a couple of months.
Or, have a heart attack.
Today is......the day after yesterday, it's going to be mucho hot, I have GOT to take my girls to the park, and I really really need to exercise my lawnmower. I don't want IT to have a heart attack too, it's getting hard to find my dogs in the tall grass.
I have two days to prepare for my buddy Shane who's coming down for a day to visit.
Really he's coming down to visit his daughter down in Texas, but staying here Friday night, so we can sit and empty a few beer cans, and discuss the good old days when we sat around and emptied beer cans discussing what we'd rather be doing.
I hope you all have a happy day.
joe
acebook
witter
stay out of trouble! 
looney. Prayers on the way.
looney. 
