RAY KROC
Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.
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Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At
“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”
“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”
“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”
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My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I
use it as both. When not in use, it
is prominently displayed in a
decorative ceramic utensil caddy
in my kitchen.
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at
a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
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Time Zones Are Hard.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes. The woman asked,
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
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Design Client From Hell: “Remove That Circle”
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Me: You mean … the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
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Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
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Military Pranks Are Scarier Than Bombs
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
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An Impossibly Long Leave
An insurance agent called
our medical office. One of our
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form
for a patient, but, the agent said, the
patient had altered it. The giveaway?
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
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Weird Questions Librarians Hear…
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
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No Dumb Questions (Except This One)
Just before the final exam in
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade
I would need to get on the exam
to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
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Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn’t happy with
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for
a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Here we go - This is it!
My last work day this century.
If I make it to the next century I'll probably come out of retirement on account of boredom.
I hope I can get through the day without breaking down...
I mean I hope I make it through the day without throwing my back out one last time.
If I do it'll most likely be from doing hand stands and somersaults.
All the way to my truck if the pavement's not too hot.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe.
to one and all. 
Good Morning all and Happy last work day Joe! 
