Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts.
CHARLES DICKENS
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Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King
“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg
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We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
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How Russian Tour Guides See America
Here’s a guide to American
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:
“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”
“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy,
and no more.”
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Baggage Claim Karma
As I waited for my luggage
at the airport, a man lifted my
suitcase off the baggage carousel.
“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s
my suitcase.”
The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!”
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This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.
Demetri Martin
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Lifeguards vs. Life Coaches
L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
Craig Ferguson
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Planedemonium
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma
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No Emergency Exits, Thanks
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I
explained, “The last time someone
gave me wings, I had to jump
out of the airplane.”
Col. David Jessop (Ret.),
Rineyville, Kentucky
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Drumming Up A Reason
A man vacations on a tropical
island, and the first thing he hears
is drums. He goes to the beach
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.
“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”
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More Funny Hashtags:
#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2
@davidschneider
#failedchildrensbooktitles: The Very Hungry Tape Worm
@Made_Dad
#nicerfilmtitles: Snacks on a Plane
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St. George and the Dragon
A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the tramp.
“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
“Could I have a few words with George?”
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Comic Conductor
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.
“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”
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Perfect Timing
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That’s fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I have company on the way here, and I don't want to be doing this while ignoring my guest, so I'm getting this out early for you.
Shane and I are going to go out Saturday,
in the broiling heat, and walk around until we melt into the ground.
Hopefully, while we're out there slogging around we can turn up a point or two.
We've had some rain lately, so you never know. Some may have washed up.
I'll be using some of that SPF 80.
I'm a Lilley.
I don't want to wilt.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I felt worse for the cats. They kept lounging around, and I could tell they were uncomfortable. 
At least they feel much better now.
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a great time with your friend and Happy Saturdiner!
Then a birthday party for a friend this afternoon, and another birthday party for another friend this evening! 
Should be a fun day!
