Lord, how the day passes! It’s like a life — so quickly when we don’t watch it and so slowly if we do.
JOHN STEINBECK
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A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.
"Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."
"That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"
"Their landlord."
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Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."
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A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It’s now the drunk’s turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
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When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before I could speak, another customer replied, "Patience."
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I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Bonnie McFarlane,
from You’re Better Than Me
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While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
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A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
“That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?”
He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.”
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During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, “Okay, okay!” Then, as an afterthought: “But don’t let it happen again!”
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About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”
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My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”
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My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: “Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be through.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
If it's Tuesday, it must be the day after yesterday.
I never know when I go to sleep what day I'm going to wake up.
Just regaining consciousness is such a happy circumstance.
To celebrate I think I'll take the doggies to the park, just the same as yesterday, and the day before yesterday.
Then I'll go to Walmart, just the same as yesterday.
No I won't go to Walmart. Why do I need to go to Walmart? I went to Walmart yesterday.
After I don't go to Walmart, I'll come back and home and not do some more stuff that I may have done yesterday, or not.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Enjoy 
I'm still watching the Tour de France. Today is a rest day for the race so I'll be running errands. Hope the we get a break from the 90 degree temps soon! Enjoy your day everyone. 
