Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
ROBERT ORBEN
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First Lines To Fake Novels
If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two
intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels.
As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and
stomach, she knew that her
decision to take Octoman as
a lover was the correct one. L. C.
If Vicky Walters had known
that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream. M. C.
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Prime (Minister) Directive
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved
matter,” in Klingon.
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The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
• The 100 Worst Senators
• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan
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Jimmy Fallon on ISIS
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
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The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested…
The star of Cake Boss was
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
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Wake The Prez
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
—Ronald Reagan
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Hold the Presses!
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world:
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
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Click Here for History
Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience:
*1876: Civil War Hero George A Custer; Where Is He Today?
•1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died
•1920: 17 Things That Will Be
Outlawed Now That Women
Can Vote
•1928: This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs
•1929: Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFS]
•1948: 5 Insane Plans for Feeding West Berlin You Won’t Believe
Are Real
•1969: This Is the Most Important Photo of an Astronaut You’ll See
All Day
•1989: You Won’t Believe What
These People Did to the Berlin Wall! [Video]
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You Don’t have to Go Home, but You Can’t Govern Here
Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s
Independence Hall in October.
A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been relocated due to Government Shutdown.”
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Lampooning Lance
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it?
L.A. Overconfidential
There Will Be Blood Tests
Needlejuiced
Goon with the Schwinn
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The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."
"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."
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Good morning everyboomie.
If it's Hump Day, and I think it is, then it's all down hill from here.
Until you get to the bottom.
Once you're at the bottom, that's where you want to stay.
I've been at the bottom for a week now, and it's GREAT!!
I never want to be at the top again.
It's just one long weekend down here.
I have to go down to Texas and see the blood suckers at the VA this weekend, I mean Hump Day.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Anyway, looks like I'll be singing, gaming and spending time with kitties today. 
Ana
Have an easy peasy day!
