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Thursday Pie #1074932
07/20/16 10:28 PM
07/20/16 10:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
DAVID H. COMINS

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

``````````````````````


This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
````````````````````


This history of the world has been compiled by Richard Lederer from actual student bloopers and mistakes collected by teachers.


The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.


The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.


Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in “The Illiad”, by Homer. Homer also wrote the “Oddity”, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote”. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife dies and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy”. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the “Organ of the Species”. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

`````````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


I wasn't going to post all of those history bloopers, but they are so darned funny. I hope you take the time to read them all. yes


I had a nice little drive down to the VA clinic today, and then back home. After I got back I was all dressed up with nowhere to go, so, I went down to the DMV to renew my license, which expires at the end of July, only to find out that their 'driver's license machine' was down. smirk


I asked the nice lady when she thought it would be back up, and she said she was expecting the 'laminate' in the mail today. She grabbed a box that had just come in and hurriedly opened it with baited breath, but it was not the much anticipated special magic licensing laminate. sad


The DMV in Durant Oklahoma is not what you might normally imagine a DMV office to be like. It looks like a main street store. It sits between a mom and pop western wear store, and a Farmer's Insurance office. The room is about 20 feet wide, and 100 feet long. It serves as the driver's licensing office, and the license tag office, and it's run by 3 very nice ladies who shut the whole office down at 12:00, and go to lunch......until 1:00. woot


I'm really hoping they have the expected laminate in the morning when I return. happydance


Your prayers would be appreciated. wink


They also told me the license renewal won't cost me anything, because I'm an old guy, or at least I will be officially old on my next birthday in December.


The next 3 days here are going to be at 100 degrees. YAHOO! rolleyes


Have a happy day everyone.


joe


Last edited by gymcandy1; 07/20/16 10:42 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074938
07/20/16 11:04 PM
07/20/16 11:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
luck Joe! You gotta love small towns. grin

Shadow is having surgery today so positive thoughts for him would be welcomed.

Have a happy day all!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074943
07/21/16 12:52 AM
07/21/16 12:52 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Good morning,everyone. wavegirlGood to be back. happydance
Ana lucktoday.Positive thouths on the way. hearts


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074947
07/21/16 01:27 AM
07/21/16 01:27 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Wow, that's too hot. eek Hope you are able to stay cool, Joe!

Sending best thoughts for Shadow, Ana! Hope all goes well!

welcome back, Haroula! Hope all is well with you and your family.

It's late Wednesday night here, and I'm off again tomorrow. Looks like another singing/gaming day. smile

Hope everyone has a fantastic Thursday. summer


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074956
07/21/16 04:52 AM
07/21/16 04:52 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
summer Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula, venus and everyone. Joe hope you get your license. Ana wishing the best for Shadow. Haroula so nice to see you back in the diner. Hope all is well with you. Venus enjoy your day off. Coffee and tea are ready. Only a few days left to the Tour De France! I'm rooting for Chris Froome! We are in for a heat wave her with temperatures expected in the 90s for the next 6 days! Hope everyone stays cool! summer


Gerry
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074966
07/21/16 07:19 AM
07/21/16 07:19 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,021
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,021
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Thursday. Haroula, it's good to see you back in the Diner. Ana, positive thoughts for Shadow on the way. puppy It will be in the 90's here until sometime in Oct., welcome to sunny Florida. summer I'm getting to old for these temps. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. lab


Connie
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074972
07/21/16 07:52 AM
07/21/16 07:52 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers kitty

Joe, try to stay cool.

Ana, prayers out and positive thoughts for Shadow.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Venus, enjoy your day off.

Gerry, we're in for another hot spell too.

Connie, wishing you a great day.

Wishing a good day to ALL! joy2


Gail
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074995
07/21/16 11:19 AM
07/21/16 11:19 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,625
northern Wisconsin
Joe prayers that the laminator is in by the time you get there!! Up here we renew the month of our birthday! Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

Ana sending HUGS and Prayers!!! Stay cool and have a lovley day!

Haroula welcome back!!! Have a lovely day!

venus soon you will have more hours then you care to work lol Happy gaming and singing!! Have a lovely day!

Gerry stay cool in that heat and good luck to your pick for the race!! Ice tea please and thanks you!! Have a lovely day!

Connie that is too hot for too long!! lol I'll take our occasionally few days of that heat and the cold we have!! I don't do go in the heat! Thanks for the Danish and have a lovely day!

Gail stay cool in the heat! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1074996
07/21/16 11:20 AM
07/21/16 11:20 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Thumping good Thursday ya'll puppy

It's official, the weatherman is calling for 100 without any consideration of humidity. I think the day will be quiet...perhaps instead of cooking dinner I'll cook books....much cooler.

Joe, love that quote. Stay cool!

Ana, prayers for Shadow and for you.

Haroula, wavegirl

Have a great day, Venus.

Gerry, go Chris! How is he doing?

Connie, bacon sandwiches are perfect...especially as you already did the cooking.

Have a wonderful day, Gail.

Off to feed the dogs. Skywalker is reminding me I haven't done so yet. lab


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: looney4labs] #1075012
07/21/16 01:21 PM
07/21/16 01:21 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer
Darlene  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 10,450
Southern California
wave2 Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Good luck with renewing your driver's license and have a happy Thursday Pie!

Ana, positive thoughts for Shadow!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Supposed to be hot, hot, hot these next few days....

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!


Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: Darlene] #1075029
07/21/16 03:48 PM
07/21/16 03:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. it sounds like it is hot all over the country.


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1075053
07/21/16 08:23 PM
07/21/16 08:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Thanks for all the well wishes! Shadow is doing very well! Just wait till he reads the memo he can't run for a week and no swimming for two!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1075061
07/21/16 09:36 PM
07/21/16 09:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Well, I'm off to sleep soon. Work in the morning. Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Thursday Pie [Re: venus] #1075062
07/21/16 10:16 PM
07/21/16 10:16 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 48,230
near Yosemite
Marian Offline
Global Moderator
Marian  Offline
Global Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 48,230
near Yosemite
Very happy to hear that Shadow is doing well, Ana. hearts

I am glad that I am not the one who has to explain about the no swimming or running, though. laugh

I wish a good evening to all. smile

Re: Thursday Pie [Re: gymcandy1] #1075064
07/21/16 10:26 PM
07/21/16 10:26 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Woo Hoo Ana, that is great news.

Off to bed, sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
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