DOLLY PARTON
A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.
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Men in Blue
My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues.
"What kind of costume is that?" he asked.
"That’s not a costume," his grandfather growled. "Men have died for that uniform."
The boy looked up and said, "So you stole it, then?"
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Guinness
We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look! I’m a genius!"
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Branch of Service
Our elementary school was honoring local veterans. The students were a bit intimidated and didn’t know how to approach them.
"Start by introducing yourself,"
I said. "Then ask what branch of the military they served in."
One student walked over to a vet and promptly asked, "What tree are you from?"
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My Son
I stole a couple of minutes from work to give my wife a call. She put my two-year-old son on, and we chatted a while before he ended it with an enthusiastic "I love you!"
"I love you too," I said, with a dopey grin plastered on my face. I was about to hang up when I heard him ask sweetly, "Mommy, who was that?"
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In the Supermarket
At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.
Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"
The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."
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Guessing Game
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”
“A Shuffle!”
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True Identity
During Sunday school, the substitute teacher asked my four-year-old what his name was. "Spider-Man," said my son.
"No, I mean your real name," pressed the teacher.
My son apologized. "Oh, I"m sorry. It"s Peter Parker."
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Christmas Chicken
The highlight of our zoo trip was a peacock showing off its plumage. My four-year-old son was particularly taken with it. That evening, he couldn’t wait to tell his father: "Dad, guess what! I saw a Christmas tree come out of a chicken!"
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The Simple Truth
I love playing Santa at the mall. But parents often have trouble getting young children to sit on my knee. It took a lot of coaxing for one little girl to perch there, so I got straight to the point. "What do you want most of all for Christmas?" I asked.
She answered, "Down!"
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My Hero
Last Thanksgiving, my niece came home with her school project: a beautiful autumnal leaf with the words "I am thankful for my mommy" printed on it.
Her eyes tearing, my sister said, "This means so much to me."
Her daughter nodded. "I wanted to put ‘Hannah Montana,’ but my teacher wouldn’t let me."
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The Brakes
The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, "Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake!"
He nodded but still rode straight into a bush.
"Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?" I asked, helping him up.
"You said if I did, the bike would break."
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Newest Mother
A little boy went to the library to check out a book titled Comprehensive Guide for Mothers.
"Is this for your mother?" the librarian asked.
"No," said the boy.
"So why are you checking it out?"
"Because I started collecting moths last week."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the beginning of a brand spanking new week.
I can personally guarantee you all that no one has ever lived this week before.
Boy oh boy, it's gonna be a hot time in the old house tonight, if it doesn't start cooling down quick.
It was so hot today, I looked out the window and saw a new neighbor moving in.
Every time my dogs wanted out, I let them out and then shut the door and did a little more gaming, and by the time I opened the door again they were real hot dogs.
Anyway, between this heat and my AC issues I now understand why my most recent electric bill is such a WHOPPER.
You gotta expect that though when you live in Southeastern Hell.
Have a heck of a day everyone.
joe
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witter
Have you called a repairman yet? 
