GEORGE CARLIN
If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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Fresh Is Best
My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers?" One girl knew. "Because it might be past the sell-by date."
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Zip It!
My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," Mom said, "is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret?"
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Hiding Spot
Luke, our venturesome 14-month-old son, was at my mother-in-law’s house. He was playing with her car keys when the phone rang. After hanging up, my mother-in-law realized that Luke had put the keys down someplace, but she couldn’t find them anywhere. Thinking quickly, she gave him another set of keys.
As she pretended not to look, Luke toddled around the corner and into her bedroom. Then she watched as he carefully placed the second set of keys under her bed—right next to the original car keys.
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Hiding the Presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."
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High Dive
When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Rhonda that we were above the ocean. "Can you see the water?" I asked her.
"No," she said, peering out the window at the wing, "but I can see the diving board."
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Loud Disturbance
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. "Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, honey. How’s your mother?" I asked.
"She’s sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?"
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don’t wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
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Name Calling
When my neighbor’s granddaughter introduced me to her young son, Brian, I said to him, "My grandchildren call me Mimi. Why don’t you call me that too?"
"I don’t think so," he retorted, and ran off after his mother.
Later I was asked to baby-sit for Brian, and we hit it off wonderfully. As he snuggled up to me, he said, "I don’t care what your grandchildren say. I love you, Meanie."
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Not Real
One night our local newscaster was reading about an allegation that two Sesame Street characters, Bert and Ernie, were gay. The show’s producer refuted this, pointing out that they were only puppets, not humans. They argued a lot and then made up to show children how to resolve conflicts and stay friends.
While watching this report, my wife, Donna, noticed that our seven-year-old daughter was also listening. As Donna struggled to come up with an explanation for the term "gay," our crestfallen daughter said in dismay, "They’re puppets?"
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Out of Breath
While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Hump Day to you.
I'm getting ready for what will undoubtedly be a very long night for me. I bought a high speed fan to blow across my face tonight, and I thought that would be enough to help me sleep, but now I'm having my doubts about that. It's not cooling off enough outside, and the humidity is keeping the air pretty thick.......like a warm blanket.
If they can't do anything for my AC unit tomorrow, I will definitely have a good window unit tomorrow night.
I think I'll go melt into a puddle, and slide into my refrigerator.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
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