Having children is like living in a frat house–nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.
RAY ROMANO
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While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s
Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry.
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A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called,
demanding a refund.
Client: You did my tattoo backward!
Tattoo artist: It’s backward?
Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!
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My boss was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo.
It was his wife.
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The Tax Man Cometh
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
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When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James
offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”
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Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”
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Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
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Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are
comments purportedly made by
patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
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Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests,
and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into
the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
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While taking stock of our
products, I read aloud the final
numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after
I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his
desk phone’s keypad.
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Eggxclaimed in the Office
Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs!
Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?!
Source: overheardintheoffice.com
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Thinking of skipping work? Don’t try these real excuses—they didn’t work the first time.
• My false teeth flew out the window while I was driving down the highway.
• I quit smoking and I’m grouchy.
• My favorite football team lost
on Sunday, so I needed Monday to
recover.
• I received a threatening phone
call from the electric company and needed to report it to the FBI.
• I got lost and ended up in a
different state.
From careerbuilder.com
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I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill.
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My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
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“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student.
She explained that she’d fallen
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she Googled “Western universities.”
And that’s how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Grumpy Gus here.
What's cooking for everyone this fine Tuesday?
I have an appointment this morning down in Texass, and then I'm afraid I need to go to Walmart and buy some more groceries.
My love for eating never seems to diminish.
Maybe I can save a little money by buying my groceries down in Texas. I hear if you go to another state and buy stuff, you don't have to pay sales tax.
At least that's what a lot of Texans say when they come to Lowe's here in Oklahoma.
Lot's of Texans come up here to the casinos and drop lots of money, and a lot of them seem to think they can shop while they're up here, and not pay sales tax, because they live in another state.
At Lowe's we were always shaking our heads and going, "Sales tax is sales tax." Doesn't matter where you're from dude.
Now if we deliver something to them, then we charge them the tax rate where they live, if they want, because sales tax rates are generally lower in Texas than the almost 9.5% that we pay here.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
I hope it's a fun trip to Texas. 
So, to fix a remote whose Input button is not working, they gave me a remote that does not have that function. Grrrrrr!
