You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket. . . I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
ANONYMOUS
```````````````````
Heard over the plant’s paging
system: “Will John Porter please
return to where you were before you went where you are.”
Irene Onorato, Plymouth, Massachusetts
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Department of (Ridiculous) Corrections
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the
importance of punctuation: “Top
stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
````````````````
Part-Time Work
Scene: A man applying for credit
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
``````````````````````
How to Deal With an Errant Bosom
Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help:
A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers
in the library.”
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
`````````````````````
The Saddest Story I Know
While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”
``````````````````
Conversation With A Customer-Service Representative:
Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?
Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.
Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause … ]
OK … [huff … puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.
```````````````````
The One About The Fishermen and The Angel
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to
his thick glasses and begs for
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man
gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
```````````````````
Wanted: Human Torch
Who wouldn’t be inspired
to hire this young man? If his
cover letter is to be believed, he’s
eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague:
“I am a
motivated, self-igniting person.”
``````````````````````
Scene: The office
Me: We have to submit a form to
every state.
Coworker: All 51?
Me: Fifty-one?
Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good
at geometry.
`````````````````
Don’t Even Ask About Condiments…
Scene: office cafeteria line
Friend: May I have pepper and salt?
(Counter guy looks confused.)
Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt?
(Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.)
Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt …
Me: You know, like you shake it on?
(Coworker looks over.)
Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper!
Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?
````````````````
Am I That Tough?
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.”
`````````````````````
Overheard at Our Hospital
Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood.
Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.
Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?
`````````````````````````
A Company by Any Other Name
There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.”
A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.”
````````````````````
Good morning Ladies and Germs.
Thought I'd change up the greeting for once.
Looks like Sunday is going to be a carbon copy of Saturday in every other respect, except it's not raining today, and it's not cool.
Also I'll be taking the dogs to the park this morning, because I haven't done that for the last two days, and I'm tired of them staring at me.
Also I'll be going to Wally World this morning after the park for grow ceries.
Other than those things, Sunday will be exactly like Saturday.
I've gotta rush to get all of that done as quickly as possible, so I can get back home before I miss very many Peyton Manning commercials.
Washed up football players always make such great commercials.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
(By the way, that last emoticon is ahead of its time, as it is still very summery and hot here. 
Ana don't work to hard! 
Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a stress free day! 
Rah Rah! 
