I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
JOHNNY CARSON
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Heading Off Criticism
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to
Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro
Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
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Overly-Honest Grad Papers
Graduate school students
spend a lot of effort writing their
thesis papers, often in arcane, smarty-pants-speak. However, a few deigned to simplify their findings:
• “Some mice lick one foot more, and some mice lick the other foot more; it depends on the mouse.”
(Psychology, McGill University)
• “People don’t care what their subway stop is called, so it’s a good thing I stood outside in the rain and asked them.” (Urban Studies, University of Pennsylvania)
• “A kind of string theory nobody thought was true is probably not true.” (Physics, Brown University)
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I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s
a cute guy standing here.” Before
I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”
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Weird Help Wanted
• Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience.
• Piano player wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams.
• Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like “Skeletor” from “He-Man.”
• Cab drivers wanted. Must have good driving & criminal record.
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A @#$%^& by Any Other Name
Tired of referring to your bosses with the same old, sorry
expletives? Try some from abroad:
Chinese: “Your mother is a big turtle.”
Yiddish: “May you lie in the ground and bake bagels.”
Bulgarian: “You are as ugly as salad.”
Finnish: “Your mother married a reindeer!”
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Business Signs of The Times:
Spotted on a restaurant’s website: “Glutton-free menu available.”
Emily Payne, Greenville, South Carolina
Seen on a New York City subway poster: “Se habla Español/Russian.”
Aaron Fernando, Richmond Hill, New York
Read off a pharmacy marquee: “We sell beer & wine! We can flavor your child’s liquid Rx!”
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Testimony Taken Down by Me,
a Court Reporter:
Question: Now, to the best of
your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop?
Answer: I hope so.
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There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These:
• I work in IT. A customer asked
me if a string of numbers I’d read off was upper- or lowercase.
• Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool.
• A few of the things customers
have asked for at our art-supply
store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood.
• I’m a butcher. A woman asked
if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas.
Source: reddit.com
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Honor Among Thieves
A mother complained to my wife,
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money—it’s the
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”
Roger Prengel, Lacey, Washington
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I Don’t Say “Hey” Pro Bono
A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!!
I have a confession to make. It's still Friday night, and I don't do these post in the mornings.
I'm actually watching the Cowboys play a pre-season game with Miami, and they are leading 27 to 14 at the half.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG!!
What's everybody doing for the weekend?
I don't really have any specific plans. No unspecific ones either.
I may go down to the highway and direct traffic just for kicks.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Enjoy your game! Have fun directing highway traffic. 
And then maybe sneak in a game or two. 
Calling for thunderstorms so I hope it will go off without a hitch. I can't wait!
