If you would not be forgotten,
As soon as you are dead and rotten,
Either write things worthy reading,
Or do things worth the writing.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
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Job Search
The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you’re no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no one any good:
"My boss thought I could do better elsewhere."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job hopping.’ I have never quit a job."
"Responsibilities make me nervous."
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Job Hunting
I just saw an ad for a position I feel completely qualified for: "Wanted: bartenders. No exp. necessary. Must have: legal ID, phone, transportation, and teeth."
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Job Posting Truth
Posted by the Illinois Valley News: "How bad do you want to be a reporter? Bad enough to work nights and weekends? In exchange for your long hours and tireless efforts, you will be rewarded with low pay and marginal health insurance."
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Payback Time
When a Middletown, New Jersey, police officer retired, he cited low morale. But he didn’t leave quietly. While walking the beat on his last day, he wrote 14 tickets for expired inspection stickers … all to police patrol cars.
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Worst Job Applicant
Cops had no trouble tracking down a woman who allegedly shoplifted from a Toronto-area store. A few minutes earlier, she had interviewed for a job there and left her résumé.
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Clients From Hell
Clientsfromhell.com was established by freelance art directors and graphic designers who have seen the dark side of their clients … and survived.
Client No. 1: So it turns out you were right about me wanting a colon instead of a semicolon. But since we’re on the subject, I’d like you to revisit the copy and include more semicolons. I want people to think we’re smart.
Client No. 2: Since you have overbid on our project, can you recommend anyone who has your exact same design skills and client-relationship abilities for half the cost?
Client No. 3: Please be sure to print the cover and the table of contents at the front of the book, then print the chapters in this order: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.
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Making the Case
While I was assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers requested a new dictionary. Following regulations, I asked him why he needed it.
I expected his answer to be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he said, "My current edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.’"
He got his new dictionary.
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Poor Excuse for an Employee
Need a reason for being late to work? Don’t try these—they didn’t help any of the workers who actually used them.
My deodorant was frozen to the windowsill.
My car door fell off.
I dreamed I was already at work.
I had an early-morning gig as a clown.
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Get Me Copy!
September is Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month. As these quotes from overheardinthenewsroom.com prove, we need all the sympathy we can get.
First editor: "They just sent in a correction on the obit."
Second editor: "Is she still dead?"
Editor to reporter writing political trend story: "We’d better move it today. It might not be true tomorrow."
City editor assuring a reporter:
"It might get you arrested, but it won’t get you fired."
Metro editor, commenting on parade floats made out of newspapers:
"Can’t do that with the Internet."
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Possession Charge
During her retirement party from the Cook County State’s Attorney’s office, coworkers told stories about my less-than-worldly mother.
My favorite came from her supervisor, who recalled one of the first arrest reports Mom had created.
Under "Offense," she’d typed, "Possession of cannibals."
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Skills
I called a temp agency looking for work, and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, "I called you, didn’t I?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
My Cowboy game is about to start, gotta hurry.
Not really. The game is 3 hours long. Haven't stayed up that late in 10 years.
Maybe I'll be really sleepy when I go to bed.
I wish I could sleep like a dog. Mine don't ever seem to have trouble going to sleep.
Anyway I'm recording the game. I'll bet you I've watched last weeks win 6 times.
They'd better win tonight. I don't re-watch losses.
Have a happy Saturday everyone.
Welcome to the weekend!
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Joe enjoy the game. Ana Good luck! Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing everyone a Great Friday! 
...I'll be doing this... 
Nan. Enjoy your weekend too. 