I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT
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The Case of The Illegal Mah-Jong Game
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four
elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:
Golden Girls, Interrupted
The Lavender Hair Mob
Indicting Miss Daisy
No Country for Old Women
The Social Security Network
Grumpy Old Women
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As the hostess at the casino
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my
husband, who would be joining me
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
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“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “Eight......including you.”
`````````````````
“Come Out With Your Pants Up!”
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld
``````````````
When a soldier came to the
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was
I in there for?”
```````````````````
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,”
I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
`````````````````````
“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
```````````````````
In the hardware store, a
clerk asked, “Can I help you find
anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
````````````
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
````````````````
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
``````````````````````
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
``````````````````
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
```````````````
She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”
Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”
``````````````````
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
```````````````
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
`````````````````````
We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."
``````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
A nude day has begun.
I'm looking out my window, and the morning is just as naked as a Mexican Hairless..........because it's hot.............and it's trying to keep cool.
On that note, L4L you get all the money that's in my pocket.
Yesterday was a great day. I slept very well, and I slept in.....kinda.....till about 6:45.
I spent most of the morning cleaning house. Whenever someone is coming to my house, it's good motivation for cleaning house, that I don't get very often.
Shortly after noon the guy came out and did the energy audit of my house. He gave me about $100 worth of LED lights if you buy them at Lowe's. I'm sure
they didn't pay that much for them, but just the same....They're about $10 each, so it was only 10 light bulbs, but they have a 25 year lifespan, and don't even use half the energy that the old ones did.
After he left, I got on my computer to check the temperature, and take a quick look at the market before I took a nap, but first I checked into Facebook to see what was happening. Three hours later I was still reading about what producers didn't want me to know about The Andy Griffith Show, Bonanza, Bewitched, My Three Sons, and Leave It To Beaver.
I never did get my nap.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Are you still on meds or trying without? Did they give you suggestions on how to reduce your energy consumption? Is it Hump Day or Thump Day? 
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and all. Joe glad you are sleeping better. Space have a good one. Ana enjoy your day. Coffee and tea are ready. Happy Day Everyone! 
Are the girls excited???
I try to catch the fry and fingerlings and move them to the smaller shallow pond so that they grow bigger before I move them back to the larger deeper one. 
looney