THOMAS PAINE
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
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The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
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Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.
"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
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At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower.
“This thing is great,” he bragged to my brother. “It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!”
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"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
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The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm."
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At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
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I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."
"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
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An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."
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I’ve always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.
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In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
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An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain the strange liquid in the bottom of the fridge."
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My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn’t seen in years. How long exactly? One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!"
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Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!"
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My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
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Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn’t to be.
"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I think I got the right day in the title.
I was actually thinking it's Today, and someone told me it's Thump Day.
Just can't keep it straight.
So I was talking to my sister. Today is her birthday (31st), and we were discussing something to do with aging, and I mentioned how that was a real problem with me and her husband, who was in my high school class, because we are old now, and I remembered she was only a year behind, and told her she was not far behind..........never mind
It was very funny when I could remember what we were talking about.
If it ever comes back to me I'll let you all know.
Mental notes just aren't the same as writing it down. It's like the difference between a download and a DVD copy.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! 
to your sis! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, and all. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a great day! 
Have an easy peasy day!