Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.
FRED ASTAIRE
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Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."
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Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.
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Because it was my brother’s birthday, our mom wanted to do something special. She called his fraternity house and said she wanted to bring a cake. The young man who took the call was very excited. "Hey, Mrs. Schaeffer," he said, "that would be great!"
The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said ‘keg.’ "
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As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I’ve noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, “Who are you going out with this weekend?”
In my 20s, relatives would say, “Who are you dating?”
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, “So, are you dating anyone?”
Now, “Where did you get that adorable purse?”
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Author Cindy Chupack coined these useful neologisms to help those dating today.
Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance.
Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random singles are perfect for each other.
DNRR (Do Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.
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At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, “At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer.”
The woman nodded. “I’ll make a note of that: ‘has-been movie producer.'”
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A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, “My darling,
I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?”
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, “Pardon?”
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I suppose it speaks volumes about the state of my marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly at a remark made by a colleague.
She was telling me about the death of another co-worker’s spouse, when she commented, "How sad. They’d been married only five years, so I imagine she still loved him."
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Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”
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My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”
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The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked.
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My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: “Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be through.”
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My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”
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About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”
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During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, “Okay, okay!” Then, as an afterthought: “But don’t let it happen again!”
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm getting settled in, which I started about 6 hours ago, and ready to watch the final installment of Harley and the Davidsons.
It's a historic drama about the Harley Davidson company. Very interesting. I love history.
We have two more days of mid 90s.
I think tomorrow after I take the dogs to the park, I'll go to Lowe's and get some paint and repaint my bathrooms.
After that, I may paint the living room.
Every room in this house is painted the same color.
Color me excited.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Do you still get a discount at Lowes because you once worked there? 
Good Morning Joe, Midgie, Space, Ana and all. Coffee and tea are ready along with Birthday cake for MaG! 
Happy Birthday MaG! 
I'm great. How are you Sweetie? How are your puppies doing? I don't have to be at work until 5:00 this afternoon. Thanks Gail. What's on your schedule for today?
