We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
ROBERT WILENSKY
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My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings.
"Mom, I call all the time," I said. "If you had voicemail, you’d know." Soon after, my brother installed it for her.
When I called the next time, I got her message: "If you are a salesperson, press one. If you’re a friend, press two. If you’re my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack."
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A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn’t know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative’s bad luck. "Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" Mother asked my sister. "Maybe she has a subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That’s true," she said. "Why do you think I do that?"
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On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That’s fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
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I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool."
As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?"
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Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn’t have to pay her the $6 that I owed her. If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up. Anything for an incentive!
“All right,” said Mother happily. “But let’s wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first.”
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One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway.
I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency. “What is today?” inquired one man.
Without hesitation, Mom replied, “Trash day.”
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Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.
While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”
I started my diet that day.
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When I arrived at school for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
"For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I’ve even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
"I don’t understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Gulbrandsen, our appointment was tomorrow."
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On our way to my parents’ house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn’t that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.
When we arrived at my folks’ place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and said, "Elizabeth! Don’t you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"
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While driving on the highway, my daughter noticed a child in the window of a car in the next lane, holding up a handwritten sign that read "Help."
A few minutes later, the car passed her and she again glanced at it. The little boy held up the same sign and this time followed it with another, which read "My mother is singing!"
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A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?”
“No,” I replied, “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”
“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”
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While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and ask my son, Joshua, "Who’s that?"
"That’s my mom," Joshua answered.
"Wow," the man said, "my mother doesn’t look like that."
"Yeah," my son said, "well, neither does mine."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the new season of THE NFL!
The only sad thing is that I'll have to wait until 3:00 to watch the Cowboys.
In the mean time I think I may drive out to the arrowhead patch, and see if he has plowed it by any chance.
My guess is 'no' but you never 'know'.
I'm pretty sure I'll sleep good tonight. It was rainy when I got up, and after it stopped, I loaded the dogs up and headed to town. I hit Walmart, then Lowe's, then Big Lots. Then we went to the park. It was awesome. It was cool and breezy outside.
Then I came back home and finished my work on the two bathrooms.........mostly.
I got the back room trimmed out around the ceiling. I'm pretty sure I got more paint on me than the walls though.
I've always enjoyed body painting.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Gerry! Hope it's a fun day for you! Cake in the corner! 
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Hard to believe football is back already! Thanks for the cake Ana. 
Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing everyone a fun Sunday! 
.......yep that's it. 
Thanks for the laughs!
