Always be a little kinder than necessary.
JAMES M. BARRIE
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While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.”
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My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
`````````````````
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yo, I ordered a Pizza
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (seconds later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down.
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Here’s a guide to American
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:
“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”
“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy,
and no more.”
``````````````
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved
matter,” in Klingon.
```````````````````
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
``````````````
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was
expecting an ocean-view hotel
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of
the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said.
“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
``````````````````
The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter
Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain.
• I will not fly into a rage and
kill a messenger who brings me
bad news just to illustrate how evil
I am. Good messengers are hard
to come by.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have
to leave the table for any reason,
I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.
• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.
`````````````````
Scene: Horseback-riding stable.
Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.
Me: Our horses are very sweet …
Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!
Me: Um … that’s a goat.
``````````````````
Gauging from these exam
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive
of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for
his acts of true kindness and
selfishness.”
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time
understanding and interrupting
his movement.”
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
`````````````````
Dumb Clients: A Different Color
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
````````````````
What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
• Would the lightning be faster if
it didn’t zigzag?
• What do you do with the snow when it melts?
``````````````````
Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students
• Q:
What’s the name of a
six-sided polygon?
A: Sixagon.
• Q:
What part of the body is
affected by glandular fever?
A: The glandular.
• Q:
In The Tempest, why does
Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?
A:
She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.
• Q:
In comparison with large
hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?
A: They’re smaller.
• Q:
Who were the Bolsheviks?
A: A Russian ballet company.
````````````````
Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent
• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.”
• “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ”
• “So … you’re talking to me only
because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”
`````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It was another cool morning here.
There was even a frost inside my freezer.
I didn't have much of a day, but I am really tired. I took one of the sleeping pills the Dr gave me, because I keep waking up at around 4am every morning, and then have trouble going back to sleep. I haven't been going to bed early either. It's after midnight every night before I go to sleep.
I've gotta take Pepper to the Vet in the morning to get her beak, and claws trimmed.
I called 3 Vet offices and asked them if they were an avian vet, and all three said, "What? What's an avian?
Good night everybody.
Have a happy day!
joe
acebook
witter
Has Pepper been happy in her new home? Terrorizing the dogs? 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Good Luck at the vet Joe. Ana I'm sure you'll find something fun to do today! Coffee and tea are ready Enjoy your day Boomers! 
looney.
Midgie
I'm gonna say good night now. I'm trying to put this day behind me. 